Which came first...the chicken or the flake?

the al.leged date

n
A declared meeting between two people that doesn't exist until it actually is proven to have taken place

the al.leged dat.er
n.
A person who isn't afraid to schedule dates but rarely makes a physical appearance at the dates

A few years ago, during one of my first forays into the on-line dating world, I went out with this Australian guy. I don't remember much about him, other than the fact that he was Australian, but apparently, he was interesting enough that I decided to go on a date with him. We were scheduling our first date when he unexpectedly disappeared on me. He re-appeared a few days later, claiming that he had had a friend who had a heart attack and that he needed to prioritize his best friend over a woman he had never met.

Okay, seemed fair enough (though really, how difficult is it to send someone a quick e-mail?)

We met for drinks, had an enjoyable time, such an enjoyable time that drinks turned into dinner. We decided to meet up again for a second date. There was a film festival in San Francisco, and we agreed that it would be fun to go for drinks and then go to one of the films. He e-mailed for my suggestions; I e-mailed him back a possible meeting place, time, and movie choice. This was Sunday. The date was supposed to take place on Thursday. Monday passed. Tuesday passed. Wednesday passed. Thursday afternoon, two hours before the date was supposed to take place, I hear from him that he had another movie in mind and that he couldn't meet me for drinks beforehand.

Needless to say, I did not meet him as planned.

I wrote the whole thing off as the guy being a flake. But now that I'm back in the world of on-line dating, I'm realizing that the experience was not an anomaly. In dating, especially in on-line dating, flakiness abounds, and all scheduled dates are suspect until after the fact. In a courtroom, a murder suspect is an alleged murderer until proven guilty; similarly, dates are alleged dates until sufficient evidence proves their existence.

Example: I've been e-mailing this guy for about a month now. Three weeks ago, he asks if I'd like to meet for drinks. He says that he's heading out of town for a few days and that he'll e-mail me when he gets back to the city. I say, "Sure, sounds good." Next e-mail, he says that he's been held up with work and hasn't yet made it out of town yet, but that we can go out as soon as he's back. I say, "Not a problem."

A week and a half passes. I figure he's gone to the island of lost men, when I get an e-mail from him (as if no time has passed at all) saying that he's still out of town. I'm hesitant, I wait a few days, but I e-mail him again. He e-mails back right away, saying that he's back in San Francisco and would I like to meet up early next week? I say, "Sunday afternoon or Monday would work best for me."

It's now Sunday afternoon. I still haven't heard back from him.

In part, I blame the internet. Whether it creates more flakiness or simply highlights already-existing flakiness, the internet -- and on-line dating -- is the place where the flakes come to roost. One would think that with instant access in our face that people would be more reliable with communication, but it seems that for the alleged dater, it's the reverse.

How do you know if you're dealing with an alleged dater? They aren't so easy to spot right away. Unlike your typical slacker, drugged-up, unreliable loser that you dated in your 20s, the one who you already know will disappear at a whim and reappear when he needs a sofa to crash on, the alleged dater usually presents himself as a guy who has his life together. Here are some signs and some pointers, which hopefully will help you keep your sanity should you find yourself face-to-face with an alleged date.

1. Alleged daters can be found anywhere, but typically gravitate toward on-line dating, where they can safely hide behind the anonymity of the internet (and where there are new dating prospects arriving daily). All on-line dates should be regarded as alleged dates.
   
2. Alleged daters will use real-life excuses to postpone their dates or to disappear unexpectedly (usually to resurface with a new excuse). Popular excuses include: travel, death, work, Burning Man. It is fine to give someone a second chance, but if this happens to you, beware that you might be getting ready for an alleged date.
3. Often when alleged daters reappear, they act as if nothing has happened. They might give a reason for disappearing, but they rarely offer an apology. Alternatively, they might offer a pathetic, insincere apology that indicates they haven't taken your time or your life into consideration.
   
4. Alleged daters usually have real jobs. They often own property. They are typically in their late 30s-late 40s and claim that they're looking for a real relationship. Just because a man seems to have his act together does not mean that he won't be an alleged dater.
5. When your alleged date turns into a non date, your impulse will be to blame yourself. You will re-read your last three e-mails, looking for some sign that you have offended your potential match. Try and resist this urge. Sure, you might have said something offensive, but you might simply be dealing with an alleged dater.
   

We don't know what's at the root of the problem -- hung up over their ex girlfriend? hung up over Giselle? engaged? married? juggling three relationships? body issues? performance issues? commitmentphobia? mother issues? daddy issues? It doesn't matter. It's not your problem. Just remember that somewhere out there is a real-life dater who isn't afraid to step out of the alleged world of dating into the real world of dating.

*Poof* he did it again....

I had been on the fence about NDVB, but at the end of our date, when he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, I said, "Yes." Then, when he e-mailed me a sweet e-mail a day after our date, I responded in kind.

Four days later...enter crickets chirping, tumbleweeds tumbling.

Pigs definitely not flying.

Poof, he did it again.

This is something that will never make any sense to me. Why on earth would someone not only ask another person out on a second date but then follow up with an e-mail only to instantly disappear? Sure, on some level I can say, "He's just not that into me," and if I'm honest, I know that I wasn't that into him, either. On some level I can keep a rational perspective and move on to the next one (I have moved on to the next one, now that I think about it).

But my frustration has nothing to do with NDVB as a person. Not in the slightest. I barely know him. It's the whole process of dating, especially on-line dating, that's frustrating to me. It's the big picture of dating that's ridiculous. I don't recall a world full of players five years ago (and I've dated a lot of players in my time, trust me), or maybe it's that the game playing is so utterly in our faces with on-line dating. It's unavoidable. It's mocking us, this game of dating, mocking us even if we succumb to playing ourselves.

Signs of a good first date (???)

The number one search term that brings people to this blog is, "What are the signs of a good first date?"

In my eyes, the answer to that has always been obvious: you both show up; you have good, easy conversation; you laugh; you seem to have some stuff in common; nobody's rude to the waitperson or to each other; nobody's staring at their watch every five seconds; nobody picks up the cute guy (or girl) sitting alone at the bar; there's usually talk of a second date.

Blah, blah, blah. That is what a good first date looks like.

I had my first date with the non-drinking, Buddhist vegetarian last night. We went for tea. We talked. We laughed. When I had to leave to meet a girlfriend for a movie, he immediately asked me out for dinner.

Apparently, I was on a good first date.

But the thing is, I know what a good first date looks like, but what does it feel like? Truth be told, for all that the conversation was easy and could have gone on for quite some time, I felt nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I suppose it's worth another shot. NDBV is a nice man, relatively attractive, interesting, educated, funny. And I hear from friends that this thing called chemistry doesn't always appear in an instant, that sometimes it doesn't show up until days or weeks or even months into a whatevership.

But thinking back to my first date with Mr. Nice, in fact, thinking back to everything that led up to my first date with Mr. Nice, this was about as exciting as standing in line to buy stamps at the post office. Maybe I'm still nostalgic for Mr. Nice, still wishing that things could have turned out differently. But I can't help but think that the bar has been raised.

And I can't help but worry that this bar is entirely out of reach at the moment.

Rules for On-Line Dating

Okay, boys, it's time to get real. Here are a few pointers for you about landing a real-woman via on-line dating:

1. Strike a balance. It's not healthy or wise to spend endless weeks e-mailing and talking on the phone, but at the same time, some of you need to slow down! It's not attractive to immediately ask a woman out, either. I know that I can't get excited about meeting most men based solely on reading their profiles and reading one brief e-mail. With very-few exceptions, the rushed meet leads primarily to blah dates and makes you come across as desperate.
2. Hold off on blatant sexual references until after we've met. Sure, if I'm meeting you when I'm drunk at a bar or a party, I'll probably not be put-off by sex talk. But in an e-mail from some guy I've never even met (at 11 a.m. on a Sunday morning) it's just tacky. You can flirt without coming across like a sleaze.
3. Keep things in perspective. Remember Mr. ATM? You aren't in a relationship with a woman when you haven't even met. Need I say more?
4. Avoid making broad, negative statements about women, on-line dating, or other dates you've been on. Even if I "match" what you're looking for, negativity about other women or about relationships is a big turn-off. If you're negative about your past experiences, will you eventually be negative about me?
1. Subtopic: Likewise, be don't be arrogant. I had a guy "wink" at me who was looking for women who were "at least 5'10, slender, athletic and good looking..." These women needed to be "homeowner[s] with a career and credit score of at least 750, with a college degree." Well, I happen to fit this criteria (good looking being subjective, but he "winked" at me), but why on earth would I go out with a man with such a narrow parameter of what he "deserves"? (Especially given the fact that he was rather unattractive, living with roommates, and had multiple typos in his profile!)
2. Subtopic: Endless statements about how much better you are than the rest of the world are also a turn-off. It's amazing how many men I reject not because they don't seem interesting but instead because they are coming across as narcissistic jerks.
   
5. For goodness sakes, when you e-mail me (thank you for the e-mail and not the "wink"), make sure what you say gives indication that you've read my profile. Make some sort of specific reference to something I've said, and make sure that you don't just cut and paste some obviously generic e-mail that you send to all women you find attractive.
1. Subtopic: When you read my profile, before you e-mail me, please make sure there is some reason you are doing this beyond the fact that you think I'm "cute."
   
6. I would consider going out with an older man, but my profile clearly indicates that I am looking for a man between a certain range. If you are significantly older or younger than this, you can e-mail me, but please at least acknowledge that you are 58 and not 41. (This rule applies to geography as well.)
7. Speaking of age, some of you need to look at your birth certificates. If you are 58, you are 58, not 25. You may think you deserve only women between the ages of 23 and 40, but really that's just a pile of ick.
8. Please post a recent, attractive picture of you. You don't have to be Johnny Depp, but it's nice to see a photo of a man who takes care of himself, a photo that doesn't look like a fading passport photo, a photo that looks like you care (because don't you want a woman who cares about her appearance, even if she isn't Heidi Klum?)
1. Subtopic: Shirtless photos (or photos of you wearing a codpiece and adorned with painted leopard spots (or photos of you in bondage gear)) are tacky, tacky, tacky. Even if you are hot. Even if the photos have something to do with your career.
   
1. Subtopic: Unless you are a member of the US Men's Swim Team, I don't need to see you without a shirt until I start taking yours off.

Opening one's options

A friend just asked me: Why are you going out with the non-drinking Buddhist Vegetarian?

Good question, I said in response. I'm trying to open my options.

When I first spotted the NDBV's profile, I thought, No way would a NDBV and I have anything in common. I like my meat rare, my vodka cold, and I eschew religion in my own life.

But then I realized, it's not like the whiskey-drinking, meat-eating, agnostic-spouting men of my past have gotten me anywhere. So I re-read the NDBV's profile and thought, Does it really matter? He seems nice.

And as we've discovered before, nice is nice.

Of course, the long-haired, bondage-wearing, narcissist in So. CA who e-mailed me this morning will not be getting a second (or even a first) chance.

Advise

I have been invited to go get "tea" on Sunday evening with a non-drinking Buddhist vegetarian.

What does one wear to go for "tea" with a non-drinking Buddhist vegetarian, anyway? An "I Heart Meat" t-shirt? Would it be a problem if I carried a flask?

Dodged A(nother) Bullet

I was feeling pretty on-the-fence about Mr. ATM. Last week we did have a fun -- and long -- somewhat-drunken IM/phone call session, and I definitely know we were connecting, but it was feeling like too-much, too-soon. He was sending me IMs/e-mails pretty-much daily, and it was feeling overwhelming. Plus, the whole e-mail exchange with Mr. Nice has stirred up a lot of emotions in me, emotions I don't want to dump onto someone else. (Hello?! Who wants to be Mr. Rebound?)

Yesterday, Mr. ATM IMed me twice, and then e-mailed me. I decided to be upfront and honest and wrote back:

So this weekend, I got a couple of e-mails from the man I was in a relationship with recently. We're not getting back together or anything like that -- far from it -- but the whole exchange made me realize that I'm far from ready for dating right now. I thought it best to let you know because you seem like a genuinely good guy.

It didn't seem necessary to say anything beyond that. It was essentially truthful, though I had omitted anything negative I was feeling about Mr. ATM as there's no point in being unkind to a stranger who has never been unkind to me! He responds, expressing his disappointment, that he thought we both saw a green light to go forward, and he can't understand why I'm still logging in to the dating site if I'm not up for dating. He said that he's starting to feel a bit jaded about the on-line dating thing.

I felt bad, so I write back to reiterate my apologies and to tell him that I think he's a good guy and that I don't see him as the cynical type. I clarified a few things about on-line dating from my experiences, that pretty much a person doesn't exist until after you've met him/her (otherwise you're just setting yourself up for disappointment) and that the e-mail/phone stage really should be viewed as similar to meeting someone at a bar.

But wait. There's more.

I didn't realize that his e-mail was a "scroll down" e-mail. One that went on for more than 500 words. He started pleading with me to give him a chance, that he's willing to take things slowly, that we need to be there to help each other heal, that he's not my ex-boyfriend, that he knows I'm a smart woman with a big heart who has so much to give. He's different from other guys. Please give him a chance. (Etc. etc. etc. I don't think I need to type in all 500+ words to get the point across. There was something about watering that plant. I didn't know he was into gardening.)

Can bunny boilers be men?

Can you break up with someone you've never even met?

I had already composed my final response before I got to the scroll down, so I sent it and just ignored his desperate plea.

But wait. There's more.

His next response (this one only 350 words, too bad) is a full-on psychoanalytic attack of my character and my relationship history. He says he needs to get in the last word to "balance the power between us." It's so full of assumptions about me, my relationship with Mr. Nice (which ended with sadness but mutual respect and dignity), and my perceptions of men (you only have to know me for about five minutes to know that I'm not one to categorize "all men" as any particular way). Apparently, I'm no "spring chicken" and need to step up and be "brave," that I'm not going to be able to get away with this behavior for much longer.

Oh, and that he's blocking me from his IM. So there. Nah nah.

I just responded to say that it's fine if he needs to reach such conclusions about someone he barely knows, that we had ONE phone call (ONE) which doesn't a relationship make, and that he knows nothing about my relationship with Mr. Nice or about me.

I was polite, because that's my way (little does he know the most common OLD response is simply to ignore the other person; how would he react to that?!) But here's the suggested response of a friend of mine:

thank you for making it clear to me that I was right in not wanting to meet you. You're right about one thing: I didn't cancel our date JUST because I'm not quite over my last relationship. I canceled it because I got a bad feeling about someone who couldn't figure out a way to go on a date without insisting it cost him nothing. Now I see that not only are you a cheap bastard, but you're a pompous ass who can't handle rejection. How I choose to use ___ is none of your business; in fact, nothing in my life is any of your business at this point. I'd wish you good luck in your search, but I'm more inclined to wish luck to the next woman to talk to you for a few hours and believe, mistakenly, that you are worthy of her effort.

All of this because I told him I'm not ready to date him two weeks after my last relationship. Enter Mr. Glenn Close. Bunny boiler, indeed.

Ah, the joys of on-line dating...

In an attempt to force myself to move on, I posted my profile at an on-line dating site. I'm distracting myself by winking and e-mailing with random fellows, not necessarily looking for dates or romance, but just having fun flirting. I received an e-mail this morning from a potential match. It reads:

are you a thong or brief kinda gal at 5'10"?
well groomed? shaved/waxed?
good kisser?

Well, with a catch like that beating on my inbox, who needs a budding relationship that was built on mutual attraction, endless sexual chemistry, common interests and life goals, a fun mental spark, good communication, patience, respect, caring, etc. etc.?

Back into the game

After a few weeks dating hiatus, I'm about to go on yet-another first date.

It's with a guy I met on-line.

I'm completely and utterly apathetic about it. There's just no excitement, no thrill, no romance. It goes like this:

He: Checks me out
I: E-mail him
We: Exchange a handful of e-mails
He: Asks me if I want to go to lunch...in seven days
I: Say, "Okay"
We: Exchange numbers
Then: Total silence for a week

How on earth am I supposed to be excited about a lunch date with some random guy I don't know, have never met, when we haven't even exchanged a "hello" in a week?

I realize that everyone "knows someone who met their husband/wife/partner" through on-line dating, but honestly, I think it's a whole lotta effort for a whole lotta nuthin'!

Still, I'll try and be optimistic!

Outstanding

A couple of days ago, I turned back on my on-line profile. I just received an e-mail from a shirtless (and apparently headless) man (and it goes without saying that he's e-mailed me before) that reads:

You know you got that nawty look right?

Hmmm. Very interesting. D'ya think this method works for him often?

It's Official

On-line dating men are strange.

One guy hotlisted me about three weeks ago, so I winked at him; he keeps viewing me and viewing me, but he never responds to my "wink" (how do I hate the "wink"? Let me count the ways).

Another guy viewed me a couple of weeks ago. I really liked his profile so I sent him an e-mail. Again, he keeps viewing me and viewing me and viewing me (er, hello men....I can tell every single time you "view" me, so if you're gonna do it obsessively, set your viewing profile to "private") and yet never responds to my e-mail.

On-line dating: why must you mock me so?

The problem with on-line dating

Well, one of many. The whole concept just utterly confuses me.

For example:

This guy e-mails me. I read his profile. He seems interesting. I e-mail him back. A few days pass. He e-mails me again. This time I wait a few days and e-mail him back. Five days later....nothing.*

Another example:

This guy hotlists me. I read his profile. He seems interesting. I send him a "wink" for encouragement. A week and a half later....nothing.

Like I said, the whole thing is utterly baffling to me. Yeah, I'm sure these guys are e-mailing a dozen women at a time, but even so...the games are exhausting. No, it's not exhausting; it's more annoying. I've tried on-line dating off-and-on for three years now, and it never seems to work for me.

*note: I realize I'll hear from him again eventually. This e-mail cycle will continue for weeks, perhaps even months, before we finally decide to meet up or I get bored with the cycle. You know, whichever comes first.