Rules for On-Line Dating

Okay, boys, it's time to get real. Here are a few pointers for you about landing a real-woman via on-line dating:

1. Strike a balance. It's not healthy or wise to spend endless weeks e-mailing and talking on the phone, but at the same time, some of you need to slow down! It's not attractive to immediately ask a woman out, either. I know that I can't get excited about meeting most men based solely on reading their profiles and reading one brief e-mail. With very-few exceptions, the rushed meet leads primarily to blah dates and makes you come across as desperate.
2. Hold off on blatant sexual references until after we've met. Sure, if I'm meeting you when I'm drunk at a bar or a party, I'll probably not be put-off by sex talk. But in an e-mail from some guy I've never even met (at 11 a.m. on a Sunday morning) it's just tacky. You can flirt without coming across like a sleaze.
3. Keep things in perspective. Remember Mr. ATM? You aren't in a relationship with a woman when you haven't even met. Need I say more?
4. Avoid making broad, negative statements about women, on-line dating, or other dates you've been on. Even if I "match" what you're looking for, negativity about other women or about relationships is a big turn-off. If you're negative about your past experiences, will you eventually be negative about me?
1. Subtopic: Likewise, be don't be arrogant. I had a guy "wink" at me who was looking for women who were "at least 5'10, slender, athletic and good looking..." These women needed to be "homeowner[s] with a career and credit score of at least 750, with a college degree." Well, I happen to fit this criteria (good looking being subjective, but he "winked" at me), but why on earth would I go out with a man with such a narrow parameter of what he "deserves"? (Especially given the fact that he was rather unattractive, living with roommates, and had multiple typos in his profile!)
2. Subtopic: Endless statements about how much better you are than the rest of the world are also a turn-off. It's amazing how many men I reject not because they don't seem interesting but instead because they are coming across as narcissistic jerks.
   
5. For goodness sakes, when you e-mail me (thank you for the e-mail and not the "wink"), make sure what you say gives indication that you've read my profile. Make some sort of specific reference to something I've said, and make sure that you don't just cut and paste some obviously generic e-mail that you send to all women you find attractive.
1. Subtopic: When you read my profile, before you e-mail me, please make sure there is some reason you are doing this beyond the fact that you think I'm "cute."
   
6. I would consider going out with an older man, but my profile clearly indicates that I am looking for a man between a certain range. If you are significantly older or younger than this, you can e-mail me, but please at least acknowledge that you are 58 and not 41. (This rule applies to geography as well.)
7. Speaking of age, some of you need to look at your birth certificates. If you are 58, you are 58, not 25. You may think you deserve only women between the ages of 23 and 40, but really that's just a pile of ick.
8. Please post a recent, attractive picture of you. You don't have to be Johnny Depp, but it's nice to see a photo of a man who takes care of himself, a photo that doesn't look like a fading passport photo, a photo that looks like you care (because don't you want a woman who cares about her appearance, even if she isn't Heidi Klum?)
1. Subtopic: Shirtless photos (or photos of you wearing a codpiece and adorned with painted leopard spots (or photos of you in bondage gear)) are tacky, tacky, tacky. Even if you are hot. Even if the photos have something to do with your career.
   
1. Subtopic: Unless you are a member of the US Men's Swim Team, I don't need to see you without a shirt until I start taking yours off.