A Dater's Life

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


A couple of days ago, I turned back on my on-line profile. I just received an e-mail from a shirtless (and apparently headless) man (and it goes without saying that he's e-mailed me before) that reads:
You know you got that nawty look right?
Hmmm. Very interesting. D'ya think this method works for him often?


Monday, December 10, 2007

Run, don't walk

Away from "Therapy Guy."

Let me start by saying that I have no problem with a person who chooses to go to therapy. Anyone brave enough to recognize that s/he has problems that are too tough to handle alone deserves kudos. However, I have learned there is a huge difference between "Going to Therapy" and becoming "Therapy Guy."

At first, Therapy Guy seems like a grounded, healthy person. He is upfront and direct in stating what he is looking for; he is upfront and direct in recognizing the problems in his past, and he tells you that he is dealing with these problems. He is attentive and communicative and talks about things like personal responsibility and recovery and process. He will treat you in a way that no other man has treated you; he is available and doesn't play games and behaves like he genuinely wants to be around you. He is ready for a real relationship, after all, and he is not afraid to admit it.

Ordinarily, a man with mother issues, trust issues, relationship issues would be a big red flag; but Therapy Guy is aware and he is working on himself. You think, Outstanding. A guy who is honest, sensitive, and not afraid. A guy who is "evolved." He may not have the perfect past, but who among us does? This one, he's different. He's working through his past, not being defined by it.

But then, the cracks start to show. Like a recovering alcoholic who looks down her nose at someone having a drink or an ex-smoker who coughs the second someone lights up, Therapy Guy isn't all that. You can't have a conversation without analyzing, Who, what, where, when, why? Why? Why? Why????? Life doesn't seem to exist outside of his head. Every situation warrants analysis. He cannot simply appreciate the moment. When you have a feeling, you must immediately own it; you cannot just have it and process it later.

But most important, when things get sticky, Therapy Guy will deconstruct you, dissect you, tell you exactly where you went wrong. Because he is the Supreme Authority on all things psychoanalytic, you will be left feeling shattered, destroyed, but the echo of "Take responsibility for yourself" will make you feel guilty and insecure about feeling these things in the first place. Therapy Guy, after all, speaks the Truth about life. He knows. He knows.

For Therapy Guy, recovery defines his life. Therapy isn't a way to get to a healthy existence; it defines his existence. It gives him an answer for every question that life presents; it makes him feel safe, secure, justified, right.

You know he isn't a terrible person; you know he is still figuring things out; you know that all he said to you, about you, had less to do with you and more to do with him. Maybe, hopefully he will eventually figure things out. But for now, run, don't walk away from Therapy Guy. Don't let his analysis of you define your life.

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

What's difficult...

When something ends, even something that was still pretty new, it's hard to not internalize the cruelty and unkindness from someone you believed to be kind. Today I found the birthday card that A gave me. It reads:

That girl...she feels in italics and thinks in CAPITALS --Henry James

That's you! (Sensitive and Sensational you)

Signed with a handwritten note
...As much as I know so far. Love, A

Pretty much a card that sums me up entirely.

Don't worry. I shredded it.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Dodged a bullet?

So I've been dating this guy for the past two months. He's sexy and smart and fun and interesting. Things have been looking good, very good, in fact. He's been direct with communicating with me, attentive and affectionate, quick to call me and return calls. He's left me flirty messages after our dates, telling me how much fun he had and he makes plans for future dates well in advance. He's cooked me dinner and brought me my favorite deserts. He brought me flowers on my birthday. He's told me that he's looking for a long-term relationship and that I'm different from other women he's dated, that I'm emotionally available. He's expressed happiness at how open I am at talking about my needs in the bedroom. He's told me how kind I am, how affectionate, how sexy, how smart, how sensual, how attractive; he's said how difficult it is to sleep beside my naked body. He's talked of future plans, hiking trails he wants to take me on and rafting trips he thinks I'd like. When I was swamped with grading essays, he did my laundry one evening so that we could hang out. A week and a half ago, he came to Thanksgiving dinner where he met ten of my closest friends and my mother.

And last night, he told me that he wants to see other women. When I asked him what had happened to make him lose interest when he had seemed so into developing a relationship with me for the past two months, he informed me that my thoughts on this being a potentially budding relationship exist solely in my head. He denied saying many of the above-mentioned things (or claimed that his actions didn't mean anything), said that I remembered things only as I wanted to and that he knows the "T"ruth about what happened. When I reminded him that he had said how different I am from other women he's dated, he said that there are plenty of women out there like me. He said that I lack courage and am childish and don't know anything about real intimacy. He questioned why I had sex with him so quickly (though he didn't seem to question himself). He said I'm still hung up on my "dead" father and that because of this I'm constantly anxious around him.

Hmmmm....how long d'ya think it'll take for me to get over this one?

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