Book Review -- The Girls' Guide To Hunting and Fishing

A few years ago, I picked up a copy of the popular: The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing, by Melissa Bank. I wasn't all that impressed with it at the time, blasted through it in a few hours with a casual, "Shrugg. Cute."

But a couple of weeks ago, after talking with a friend about expectations and dating, I found myself picking the book up again when she suggested I read the title story. In it, the narrator, a relationship-challenged woman named Jane, finds herself struggling with what "rules" she should follow when she meets the man of her dreams. She receives a copy of a book that outlines strict guidelines for her behavior, and enters her new relationship following every bit of advice. As she contemplates her every move, the writers of the book whisper in her ear: "Don't accept a date less than four days in advance!" "Make him wonder a little!" "Don't be negative!" "Be mysterious!" "Keep him guessing!"

Essentially, be everything but what you are in order to get the man. You can be yourself only after you've gotten him.

It's advice that we've all heard, advice we've all read, and that most of us struggle with because on some level, we know that playing these games "works". For Jane, the advice obviously works at first; she lands the guy and he courts her with enthusiasm. But -- and I know you saw this coming -- in the end, it backfires. Her man pulls away, and she finds herself at a crossroads: Adhere to these "rules" or return to being myself?

I won't spoil the ending for you, but I found myself at a similar junction this weekend. Mr. Nice -- you know, Bachelor #2 -- had turned down my invitation to go hiking this weekend because he had the flu. But yesterday afternoon -- you know, Saturday afternoon -- he called to say that he was feeling better; he asked if I had made new plans and then said if I hadn't, he'd love for me to come over for dinner.

I paused. The voices started in my head. Don't accept a last-minute invitation with him! Don't be so available! Don't let him think you've been sitting around, waiting for his call!

But the truth was, I didn't have plans beyond watching a movie and taking a bubble bath. The truth was, I wanted to see him. He knows I have a life outside of him; my independence and sense of self is what attracted him to me in the first place. I looked inside of my self and said, "I refuse to play games with him."

So I took a deep breath and said, "I'd love to have dinner with you."

I won't spoil the ending for you.

Nice guys....finish....

I was talking with a single friend of mine about Bachelor #2 this afternoon. He's the sweetest guy, I said to her. He's just so nice.

He is nice. He calls me on a regular basis. He gives me a ride home when I've missed the last train. He listens and helps me into my coat and has offered to help me buy the missing cables so that I can (finally) hook up the printer I've had collecting dust for the past ten months. I can't really explain it. He's just nice.

But, I went on to my colleague.

You're waiting for the other shoe to drop? she said knowingly.

Sadly, she's right. I'll catch myself not believing that he can possibly be this nice, as if niceness comes in limited quantities, and once it runs out, asshole emerges. After decades of dating losers, when nice enters the picture, it's hard to remove our cynical armor.

The thing is, though, I really think he is this nice, that he's just a nice guy. And the more I think about it, when I sort through my mental list of controlling, patronizing, distant, unavailable (but Interesting! Artistic! Mysterious!) relationships past, I realize that nice might be the most-important thing. I'm learning to push aside my cynicism and see Bachelor #2 for who he is: Nice. I'm learning to believe in nice.

A month or so ago, right when I was starting to chat with Bachelor #2, I was out at a dinner party to celebrate my friend A's birthday. After years of dramatic break-ups with complicated and distant men, she had just started dating a new guy, who had come along for the evening, and when a couple of us started asking her about him, she said with a tiny smile on her face, I don't know. He's just nice, you know?

And right now, dating my own nice guy, I'm left thinking that maybe my friend, A, is onto something.

Nice is nice, isn't it?

You are now entering....The Twilight Zone

The Twilight Zone of dating, that is. Follow this bizarre chain of events if you can:

Sunday: Drinks and Appetizers with Bachelor #1

Monday: Follow-up phone call AND e-mail from Bachelor #1 to inform me he had a good time on our date

Wednesday: E-mail asking me out for Friday night

Ladies. Gentlemen. I believe THIS is the way things are supposed to be.