A Dater's Life

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Dodged a bullet?

So I've been dating this guy for the past two months. He's sexy and smart and fun and interesting. Things have been looking good, very good, in fact. He's been direct with communicating with me, attentive and affectionate, quick to call me and return calls. He's left me flirty messages after our dates, telling me how much fun he had and he makes plans for future dates well in advance. He's cooked me dinner and brought me my favorite deserts. He brought me flowers on my birthday. He's told me that he's looking for a long-term relationship and that I'm different from other women he's dated, that I'm emotionally available. He's expressed happiness at how open I am at talking about my needs in the bedroom. He's told me how kind I am, how affectionate, how sexy, how smart, how sensual, how attractive; he's said how difficult it is to sleep beside my naked body. He's talked of future plans, hiking trails he wants to take me on and rafting trips he thinks I'd like. When I was swamped with grading essays, he did my laundry one evening so that we could hang out. A week and a half ago, he came to Thanksgiving dinner where he met ten of my closest friends and my mother.

And last night, he told me that he wants to see other women. When I asked him what had happened to make him lose interest when he had seemed so into developing a relationship with me for the past two months, he informed me that my thoughts on this being a potentially budding relationship exist solely in my head. He denied saying many of the above-mentioned things (or claimed that his actions didn't mean anything), said that I remembered things only as I wanted to and that he knows the "T"ruth about what happened. When I reminded him that he had said how different I am from other women he's dated, he said that there are plenty of women out there like me. He said that I lack courage and am childish and don't know anything about real intimacy. He questioned why I had sex with him so quickly (though he didn't seem to question himself). He said I'm still hung up on my "dead" father and that because of this I'm constantly anxious around him.

Hmmmm....how long d'ya think it'll take for me to get over this one?

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At 10:55 AM, Blogger d. chedwick bryant said...

Too good to be true I guess... a feckin liar who was enjoying the happiness you were radiating while he said all these thing (which we know he did say)

this is not the first time I've heard this story--this guy is a type, and has done this before.

did he by chance like the sound of his own voice?

At 1:43 PM, Blogger TessaJ said...

Yes, definitely he does. He's very into psychoanalysis (which isn't automatically a bad thing) and over the course of the "break-up" he shifted in his entire tone of voice into one of an authority figure, lecturing me about all that's "wrong" with me. I could write endlessly about what I think is going on here, but it's exhausting.

Ultimately, I think he neither trusts nor likes women that much, in spite of the fact that he initially said things that sound otherwise.

At 12:46 AM, Blogger d. chedwick bryant said...

therapist types never like their own flaws spoken of -they like to explain their own flaws to you--- they say they have flaws like "Thinking about others too much" or "worrying about other's feelings" instead of getting their own work done.

try not to feel like you wasted time, though--
no regrets and quest into the unknown!

At 9:12 AM, Blogger TessaJ said...

That's an interesting way to put it -- he was very upfront about talking about explaining his "flaws" and about the work he's done, but in a very intellectual way. The second things got tense, it was all about me, not him; and every time I would raise a question about him, he would reflect it back onto me or somehow divert the topic in some way. Kinda odd for a man who talked nonstop about taking responsibility for oneself and not aiming things at the other person.

I was about to write a post about dating "Therapy Guy" as that's what A is. Funny, but when he was lecturing me about how wrong I am, I called him "Doctor A" (he's a doctor -- not a shrink, but a doctor) and he didn't like that one bit. Guess it hit too close.


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