Indecision

Date #2 with Bachelor #1 went just as good as the first one. We met on a rainy Bay Area night at the always fantastic Luka's for delish food and delish cocktails and decadently delish conversation. Bachelor #1 is so kind and easy to talk with, and it's pretty clear that he's very into me.

And yet, I hesitate. I contradict myself, mid-thought.

My stomach flips when he sends me an e-mail the morning of our date just to tell me that he's looking forward to seeing me; yet I can't muster up the energy to get ready to leave my apartment. I'm sitting there at the bar, one second totally into him; the next second I can't wait for the date to end. What is at the root of this indecision?

I talked with D about it this morning. He, of course, just laughed and called me neurotic and told me to shut the fuck up and just date the man. (Okay, he didn't really say it in those words.) On one level, I know he's right; things don't have to always be so difficult. But I also told D that I don't have to like someone just because he likes me. In my twenties, I might have behaved that way, but in my somewhat-more-stable thirties, I don't want that to be the reason I date anyone.

And I also reminded myself that this is the first person I've dated in months and that I haven't dated anyone even remotely seriously in over two years. It's a scary thought, getting back out there, letting go of these walls that I've constructed around myself. Every step away from my barrier makes me want to race back home to hide. That, of course, has nothing to do with Bachelor #1 (or #2, #3, #4, when they arrive) but only to do with me.

Ah, things were so much easier when I just went to the corner guy, got drunk, pointed, and said, "You, buddy. You're coming home with me!"