A Dater's Life

Don't Divorce My Friends

2009-03-02T14:43:00.000-08:00

On December 19th, Ken Starr and the Proposition 8 Legal Defense Fund filed legal briefs defending Proposition 8 as Constitutional and seeking to nullify the marriages of 18,000 same-sex couples who had legally wed in the state of California before Prop 8 passed. On March 5th, the Supreme Court will hear oral arguments in this case.

Check out this video, Fidelity and please sign the letter at Courage Campaign to preserve Constitutional equality and to treat all citizens with dignity and respect!!!

To quote Sean Penn's brilliant Oscar acceptance speech:

I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way of support. We've got to have equal rights for everyone.

My Existential Dilemma

2009-02-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I went out for drinks with some friends. D1 is a couple of months out of a 4-year relationship. D2 is happily married. C is two years out of a 7-year relationship.

And then there's little ol' forever single me.

C was praising her (relatively new) single life. She's one of those people who has always been in a relationship, and this is the first time in her adult life where she hasn't been a part of a couple. She's enjoying creating a home for herself, enjoying dinners out with friends, enjoying catching up with books and movies and solitude. For her, being single represents freedom.

I snorted. "Yeah, you're only two years in. That's the fun time. Talk to me after you've been single for a couple of decades."

All three of my friends looked at me, their jaws dropped. What was I talking about? I'm the independent single gal!!!! I'm Mary Tyler Moore! I'm Carrie Bradshaw! I'm Liz Lemon! I'm free!

I said, "Well, yeah, I'm free, but after awhile, that freedom gets sort of boring. That freedom gets (dare I say it?) kind of lonely."

This conversation has stuck with me over the past few weeks. It's not a feeling of sadness or unhappiness with who I am. It's not a feeling of self-hatred. On the contrary. I'm happy with who I am. I'm aware of all that I've accomplished and done, things that I probably couldn't have accomplished or done were I not single. But it's more an overwhelming feeling of...Have I missed the boat? Am I supposed to be doing something different? Have I made choices in life that have destined me to a life of solitude? Am I trapped in this existence?

And, as I said (though the Independent Girrls' Club of America will probably take away my membership card for even thinking this, let alone saying it) the freedom of being single gets kind of boring after awhile. Perhaps, in part, because that freedom is an illusion. I'm not spending my weekends dancing wildly at clubs (that was Years 21-29 of being single) or jumping out of airplanes (Year 33). I'm not picking up and flying to random foreign countries (not with a mortgage on my single-person's salary). No, as virtually the only absolutely single person I know, I'm spending my weekends much like my coupled friends are spending their weekends: Sitting on my butt watching DVDs and eating delivery. The only difference is that there's nobody to refill my glass.

Sure, I know exactly what I need to do to make my life more exciting. I can sign up for classes, join activity groups, go to singles' events, post a personal ad, etc. etc.

Been there. Done that. I desire genuine intimacy, not more activities.

The difficult thing, though, is that I don't feel like anybody gets it. They say things like, Oh, you're the type of woman who will be single forever, or, I just know that you'll meet someone. This is your year. My coupled friends all idealize my freedom. They stare at me starry-eyed, talk wistfully about my exciting social life, and ask when I'll organize another Girrls' Night Out. My recently-single friends are all celebrating in having control over the remote and being able to have cheap, one-night-stands. They see me as the eternally single gal, and they seem to think that I revel in this role.

Bicycles, fish, or insanity?

2009-01-14T15:57:00.000-08:00

Choose One:

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.--attributed to Gloria Steinem

Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Catching A Man. --by Steve Nakamoto

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.--Albert Einstein

After being flaked out on twice in the last two weeks, I'm back in the saddle again. Tomorrow's "date" is officially scheduled. Bachelor #490093 provided two options of time/place for me to choose from. He's confirmed with me and provided me with directions.

Would it be too cynical of me to take bets on whether or not this "date" will actually take place?

My Bridget Jones Moment

2008-12-28T16:56:00.000-08:00

The alleged dater strikes again. This time he canceled on me 2 1/2 hours before our first date because he, "Isn't in a good place for dating right now." I'm not sure why these guys wait until only a couple of hours before the (rescheduled -- of course, being an alleged dater, he had already canceled on me once before) date is supposed to take place. I'm not sure why they keep scheduling dates in the first place. If this had happened once in my dating life, no biggie (because I'm the first to admit that I've done this ONCE myself). But it's not once. It's literally 90% of the time. Though on the bright side, at least this one had the guts to call.

And with this horrible dating year finally coming to a close, I can't help but feel a bit like Bridget Jones.

That was it. Right there. Right there. That was the moment. I suddenly realized that unless something changed soon I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine. And I'd finally die, fat and alone, and be found three weeks later, half eaten by wild dogs. Or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

I wonder where the strength comes from to keep going out there, optimistically, and not just accept a life of tragic spinsterhood.

Home (Alone) For The Holidays

2008-12-25T09:32:00.000-08:00

This year I made a conscious decision to not fly to the midwest to visit my family. This decision wasn't out of spite or animosity toward them. No, it was a decision based on the fact that my school semester didn't end until the 23rd this year and the fact that I'm on sabbatical next term, so I'll have a chance to see them that doesn't involve flying through Chicago O'Hare during a blizzard.

I've always been quite content with this decision, and as the countdown to Christmas began, I became more and more content. I bought a little tree, hung my stocking, stocked up on Blueberry Stoli, and struggled over which movie to go see Christmas Day.

But while I was sitting around my drafty condo in state of alternative-holiday bliss, my family was worried.

You're going to the movies, alone??? my mother said to me on the phone Christmas Eve.

I thought you were going to C's for dinner...my brother said.

No, I said. I'm not going to C's for dinner.

Well, maybe you could go volunteer somewhere. Or go to K's...my mother said, worried. Didn't she invite you?

I had thought about volunteering, but the slots for that filled pretty early. And it was true that K had invited me to dinner, but I just didn't feel like going. I was choosing to spend the holidays alone, and I was happy with that. My family, however, just couldn't comprehend this fact.

The holidays are a time to spend with others, my mother pleaded, her voice rising through the receiver.

I suppose this is true, and to ease her anxiety and get her to hang up, I told her that my friends M and B were probably coming to breakfast (which wasn't even a lie).

The simple truth is that I feel like simplicity this holiday day. I don't feel like being with a big group of people I barely know, don't feel like braving holiday travel. As I sit at my dining room table, mug of coffee steaming beside me, Christmas music playing, lights twinkling, dog knawing his Christmas rawhide, I am happy. I'm not rejecting human companionship. I've spent the weeks leading up to the "big day" with friends and coworkers, raising our glasses in good cheer. And the thing that my family doesn't understand (the thing that many people probably don't understand) is that this isn't a sign of despair or depression on my part.

For me, choosing to be alone on the holidays isn't a negative thing unless I choose to make it negative. Being home alone for the holidays is far less distressful than flying alone (again) for the holidays two weeks after (yet another) breakup. And being home alone for the holidays is far less challenging than being home alone the other 364 days of the year I am home alone. It's far less challenging that being home alone after a difficult day at work. It's far less challenging than being home alone the day the sewer main line backed up. Or the day the car broke down. The day the bird got sick. It's far less challenging than being home alone the day my father died.

Because everyone is happy on the holidays. Joy really does fill the air. If I decide to go to the movies (or out for Chinese food) I will be greeted with a smile and a "Merry Christmas." There will be ample parking, and I won't have to stuff coins in a meter. I have a stack of DVDs I can watch, a pile of unread novels. I have food in the cupboard, vodka in the freezer, and a dog who can never get enough pets.

So if you've found yourself alone on the holidays, I wish you well. Not just on this day but on every day of the year.

Hoping for rain

2008-11-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, for the first time since Mr. Nice ended things, I went out on the town. The past few months I've spent keeping fairly quiet: going to dinner with friends, watching movies, home repair.

No more.

Last weekend, I got all dressed up, spritzed on some Chanel, and headed out with a new girlfriend. And get this....I met an actual flesh and bones man.

It was so easy. After months of dealing with the utter nonsense of on-line dating (correction: on-line alleged dating) I had forgotten what a catch I am. I looked good. Mr. Flesh and Bones looked (and smelled -- I forgot how good they smell) good. We stayed out until after 4 a.m., exchanged some sexy kisses. He even left me a sweet message the next day.

But...there's always a but...

Mr. Flesh and Bones was going back east for two weeks for the Thanksgiving holiday. Of course, experience shows that I'll probably never hear from him again, that two weeks is like a lifetime when you've only known someone four hours. And that's all fine, but what's a girl to do to distract herself?

Easy. Meet someone else. Didn't dating in triplicate teach us anything?

The clouds started to converge Monday morning. It smelled like rain. I logged in to Match and -- miracle upon miracles -- this guy I e-mailed a couple of weeks ago had finally responded. He said he had taken a hiatus from dating and had just gotten my e-mail. After a few exchanges, we've arranged to meet for a drink this Monday. The perfect distraction.

Now I just have to find me a third....

Ding! Ding! Ding!

2008-10-13T10:25:00.000-07:00

The alleged dater surfaces. After five days of silence (thereby bypassing my suggested, preferred times to meet up) he responds with, "Sorry for the delay. How's Tuesday for a beverage?" This after he'd already disappeared for a week and a half then reappeared again as if no time had passed.

Er, no thank you. I'm not the type of woman who's willing to accept crumbs.

Which came first...the chicken or the flake?

2008-10-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

the al.leged date

n
A declared meeting between two people that doesn't exist until it actually is proven to have taken place

the al.leged dat.er
n.
A person who isn't afraid to schedule dates but rarely makes a physical appearance at the dates

A few years ago, during one of my first forays into the on-line dating world, I went out with this Australian guy. I don't remember much about him, other than the fact that he was Australian, but apparently, he was interesting enough that I decided to go on a date with him. We were scheduling our first date when he unexpectedly disappeared on me. He re-appeared a few days later, claiming that he had had a friend who had a heart attack and that he needed to prioritize his best friend over a woman he had never met.

Okay, seemed fair enough (though really, how difficult is it to send someone a quick e-mail?)

We met for drinks, had an enjoyable time, such an enjoyable time that drinks turned into dinner. We decided to meet up again for a second date. There was a film festival in San Francisco, and we agreed that it would be fun to go for drinks and then go to one of the films. He e-mailed for my suggestions; I e-mailed him back a possible meeting place, time, and movie choice. This was Sunday. The date was supposed to take place on Thursday. Monday passed. Tuesday passed. Wednesday passed. Thursday afternoon, two hours before the date was supposed to take place, I hear from him that he had another movie in mind and that he couldn't meet me for drinks beforehand.

Needless to say, I did not meet him as planned.

I wrote the whole thing off as the guy being a flake. But now that I'm back in the world of on-line dating, I'm realizing that the experience was not an anomaly. In dating, especially in on-line dating, flakiness abounds, and all scheduled dates are suspect until after the fact. In a courtroom, a murder suspect is an alleged murderer until proven guilty; similarly, dates are alleged dates until sufficient evidence proves their existence.

Example: I've been e-mailing this guy for about a month now. Three weeks ago, he asks if I'd like to meet for drinks. He says that he's heading out of town for a few days and that he'll e-mail me when he gets back to the city. I say, "Sure, sounds good." Next e-mail, he says that he's been held up with work and hasn't yet made it out of town yet, but that we can go out as soon as he's back. I say, "Not a problem."

A week and a half passes. I figure he's gone to the island of lost men, when I get an e-mail from him (as if no time has passed at all) saying that he's still out of town. I'm hesitant, I wait a few days, but I e-mail him again. He e-mails back right away, saying that he's back in San Francisco and would I like to meet up early next week? I say, "Sunday afternoon or Monday would work best for me."

It's now Sunday afternoon. I still haven't heard back from him.

In part, I blame the internet. Whether it creates more flakiness or simply highlights already-existing flakiness, the internet -- and on-line dating -- is the place where the flakes come to roost. One would think that with instant access in our face that people would be more reliable with communication, but it seems that for the alleged dater, it's the reverse.

How do you know if you're dealing with an alleged dater? They aren't so easy to spot right away. Unlike your typical slacker, drugged-up, unreliable loser that you dated in your 20s, the one who you already know will disappear at a whim and reappear when he needs a sofa to crash on, the alleged dater usually presents himself as a guy who has his life together. Here are some signs and some pointers, which hopefully will help you keep your sanity should you find yourself face-to-face with an alleged date.

Alleged daters can be found anywhere, but typically gravitate toward on-line dating, where they can safely hide behind the anonymity of the internet (and where there are new dating prospects arriving daily). All on-line dates should be regarded as alleged dates.
Alleged daters will use real-life excuses to postpone their dates or to disappear unexpectedly (usually to resurface with a new excuse). Popular excuses include: travel, death, work, Burning Man. It is fine to give someone a second chance, but if this happens to you, beware that you might be getting ready for an alleged date.
Often when alleged daters reappear, they act as if nothing has happened. They might give a reason for disappearing, but they rarely offer an apology. Alternatively, they might offer a pathetic, insincere apology that indicates they haven't taken your time or your life into consideration.
Alleged daters usually have real jobs. They often own property. They are typically in their late 30s-late 40s and claim that they're looking for a real relationship. Just because a man seems to have his act together does not mean that he won't be an alleged dater.
When your alleged date turns into a non date, your impulse will be to blame yourself. You will re-read your last three e-mails, looking for some sign that you have offended your potential match. Try and resist this urge. Sure, you might have said something offensive, but you might simply be dealing with an alleged dater.

We don't know what's at the root of the problem -- hung up over their ex girlfriend? hung up over Giselle? engaged? married? juggling three relationships? body issues? performance issues? commitmentphobia? mother issues? daddy issues? It doesn't matter. It's not your problem. Just remember that somewhere out there is a real-life dater who isn't afraid to step out of the alleged world of dating into the real world of dating.

My Confession

2008-09-15T12:44:00.001-07:00

I am really missing Mr. Nice this week.

Poof he did it again....

2008-09-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

I had been on the fence about NDVB, but at the end of our date, when he asked if I wanted to go to dinner, I said, "Yes." Then, when he e-mailed me a sweet e-mail a day after our date, I responded in kind.

Four days later...enter crickets chirping, tumbleweeds tumbling.

Pigs definitely not flying.

Poof, he did it again.

This is something that will never make any sense to me. Why on earth would someone not only ask another person out on a second date but then follow up with an e-mail only to instantly disappear? Sure, on some level I can say, "He's just not that into me," and if I'm honest, I know that I wasn't that into him, either. On some level I can keep a rational perspective and move on to the next one (I have moved on to the next one, now that I think about it).

But my frustration has nothing to do with NDVB as a person. Not in the slightest. I barely know him. It's the whole process of dating, especially on-line dating, that's frustrating to me. It's the big picture of dating that's ridiculous. I don't recall a world full of players five years ago (and I've dated a lot of players in my time, trust me), or maybe it's that the game playing is so utterly in our faces with on-line dating. It's unavoidable. It's mocking us, this game of dating, mocking us even if we succumb to playing ourselves.

Signs of a good first date (???)

2008-09-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

The number one search term that brings people to this blog is, "What are the signs of a good first date?"

In my eyes, the answer to that has always been obvious: you both show up; you have good, easy conversation; you laugh; you seem to have some stuff in common; nobody's rude to the waitperson or to each other; nobody's staring at their watch every five seconds; nobody picks up the cute guy (or girl) sitting alone at the bar; there's usually talk of a second date.

Blah, blah, blah. That is what a good first date looks like.

I had my first date with the non-drinking, Buddhist vegetarian last night. We went for tea. We talked. We laughed. When I had to leave to meet a girlfriend for a movie, he immediately asked me out for dinner.

Apparently, I was on a good first date.

But the thing is, I know what a good first date looks like, but what does it feel like? Truth be told, for all that the conversation was easy and could have gone on for quite some time, I felt nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I suppose it's worth another shot. NDBV is a nice man, relatively attractive, interesting, educated, funny. And I hear from friends that this thing called chemistry doesn't always appear in an instant, that sometimes it doesn't show up until days or weeks or even months into a whatevership.

But thinking back to my first date with Mr. Nice, in fact, thinking back to everything that led up to my first date with Mr. Nice, this was about as exciting as standing in line to buy stamps at the post office. Maybe I'm still nostalgic for Mr. Nice, still wishing that things could have turned out differently. But I can't help but think that the bar has been raised.

And I can't help but worry that this bar is entirely out of reach at the moment.

Rules for On-Line Dating

2008-08-31T13:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, boys, it's time to get real. Here are a few pointers for you about landing a real-woman via on-line dating:

Strike a balance. It's not healthy or wise to spend endless weeks e-mailing and talking on the phone, but at the same time, some of you need to slow down! It's not attractive to immediately ask a woman out, either. I know that I can't get excited about meeting most men based solely on reading their profiles and reading one brief e-mail. With very-few exceptions, the rushed meet leads primarily to blah dates and makes you come across as desperate.
Hold off on blatant sexual references until after we've met. Sure, if I'm meeting you when I'm drunk at a bar or a party, I'll probably not be put-off by sex talk. But in an e-mail from some guy I've never even met (at 11 a.m. on a Sunday morning) it's just tacky. You can flirt without coming across like a sleaze.
Keep things in perspective. Remember Mr. ATM? You aren't in a relationship with a woman when you haven't even met. Need I say more?
Avoid making broad, negative statements about women, on-line dating, or other dates you've been on. Even if I "match" what you're looking for, negativity about other women or about relationships is a big turn-off. If you're negative about your past experiences, will you eventually be negative about me?

Subtopic: Likewise, be don't be arrogant. I had a guy "wink" at me who was looking for women who were "at least 5'10, slender, athletic and good looking..." These women needed to be "homeowner[s] with a career and credit score of at least 750, with a college degree." Well, I happen to fit this criteria (good looking being subjective, but he "winked" at me), but why on earth would I go out with a man with such a narrow parameter of what he "deserves"? (Especially given the fact that he was rather unattractive, living with roommates, and had multiple typos in his profile!)
Subtopic: Endless statements about how much better you are than the rest of the world are also a turn-off. It's amazing how many men I reject not because they don't seem interesting but instead because they are coming across as narcissistic jerks.

For goodness sakes, when you e-mail me (thank you for the e-mail and not the "wink"), make sure what you say gives indication that you've read my profile. Make some sort of specific reference to something I've said, and make sure that you don't just cut and paste some obviously generic e-mail that you send to all women you find attractive.

Subtopic: When you read my profile, before you e-mail me, please make sure there is some reason you are doing this beyond the fact that you think I'm "cute."

I would consider going out with an older man, but my profile clearly indicates that I am looking for a man between a certain range. If you are significantly older or younger than this, you can e-mail me, but please at least acknowledge that you are 58 and not 41. (This rule applies to geography as well.)
Speaking of age, some of you need to look at your birth certificates. If you are 58, you are 58, not 25. You may think you deserve only women between the ages of 23 and 40, but really that's just a pile of ick.
Please post a recent, attractive picture of you. You don't have to be Johnny Depp, but it's nice to see a photo of a man who takes care of himself, a photo that doesn't look like a fading passport photo, a photo that looks like you care (because don't you want a woman who cares about her appearance, even if she isn't Heidi Klum?)

Subtopic: Shirtless photos (or photos of you wearing a codpiece and adorned with painted leopard spots (or photos of you in bondage gear)) are tacky, tacky, tacky. Even if you are hot. Even if the photos have something to do with your career.

Subtopic: Unless you are a member of the US Men's Swim Team, I don't need to see you without a shirt until I start taking yours off.

How it's supposed to look

2008-08-31T10:09:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I attended the wedding of a gay couple who has been together in a loving, committed relationship for 22 years.

Twenty two years.

It was a simple ceremony, out in a quiet garden. There was a lot of laughing and a lot of tears. Everyone brought food to share, and in lieu of gifts, M & B requested that people make donations to Equality for All, to stop Proposition 8 from passing in California.

And as the wedding officiant proudly proclaimed, "And now, by the powers vested in my by the State of California..." everyone broke into spontaneous applause.

Really, this is the way it's supposed to be.

Opening one's options

2008-08-28T10:53:00.000-07:00

A friend just asked me: Why are you going out with the non-drinking Buddhist Vegetarian?

Good question, I said in response. I'm trying to open my options.

When I first spotted the NDBV's profile, I thought, No way would a NDBV and I have anything in common. I like my meat rare, my vodka cold, and I eschew religion in my own life.

But then I realized, it's not like the whiskey-drinking, meat-eating, agnostic-spouting men of my past have gotten me anywhere. So I re-read the NDBV's profile and thought, Does it really matter? He seems nice.

And as we've discovered before, nice is nice.

Of course, the long-haired, bondage-wearing, narcissist in So. CA who e-mailed me this morning will not be getting a second (or even a first) chance.

Advise

2008-08-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

I have been invited to go get "tea" on Sunday evening with a non-drinking Buddhist vegetarian.

What does one wear to go for "tea" with a non-drinking Buddhist vegetarian, anyway? An "I Heart Meat" t-shirt? Would it be a problem if I carried a flask?

A whole new level of ick

2008-08-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

56-year-old man seeks women between the ages of 30-40

Am I the only one totally icked out by the fact that this guy is only seeking a woman essentially young enough to be his daughter?

Trust me, this guy is no Harrison Ford.

Of course he e-mailed me. I attract all of the special ones.

Once upon a time

2008-07-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

I had a date.

We met.

We talked.

I drank a beer.

He drank soda water.

We shook hands. We left.

(And they all lived happily ever after. Alone, of course.)

The end.

Dodged A(nother) Bullet

2008-07-09T08:34:00.001-07:00

I was feeling pretty on-the-fence about Mr. ATM. Last week we did have a fun -- and long -- somewhat-drunken IM/phone call session, and I definitely know we were connecting, but it was feeling like too-much, too-soon. He was sending me IMs/e-mails pretty-much daily, and it was feeling overwhelming. Plus, the whole e-mail exchange with Mr. Nice has stirred up a lot of emotions in me, emotions I don't want to dump onto someone else. (Hello?! Who wants to be Mr. Rebound?)

Yesterday, Mr. ATM IMed me twice, and then e-mailed me. I decided to be upfront and honest and wrote back:

So this weekend, I got a couple of e-mails from the man I was in a relationship with recently. We're not getting back together or anything like that -- far from it -- but the whole exchange made me realize that I'm far from ready for dating right now. I thought it best to let you know because you seem like a genuinely good guy.

It didn't seem necessary to say anything beyond that. It was essentially truthful, though I had omitted anything negative I was feeling about Mr. ATM as there's no point in being unkind to a stranger who has never been unkind to me! He responds, expressing his disappointment, that he thought we both saw a green light to go forward, and he can't understand why I'm still logging in to the dating site if I'm not up for dating. He said that he's starting to feel a bit jaded about the on-line dating thing.

I felt bad, so I write back to reiterate my apologies and to tell him that I think he's a good guy and that I don't see him as the cynical type. I clarified a few things about on-line dating from my experiences, that pretty much a person doesn't exist until after you've met him/her (otherwise you're just setting yourself up for disappointment) and that the e-mail/phone stage really should be viewed as similar to meeting someone at a bar.

But wait. There's more.

I didn't realize that his e-mail was a "scroll down" e-mail. One that went on for more than 500 words. He started pleading with me to give him a chance, that he's willing to take things slowly, that we need to be there to help each other heal, that he's not my ex-boyfriend, that he knows I'm a smart woman with a big heart who has so much to give. He's different from other guys. Please give him a chance. (Etc. etc. etc. I don't think I need to type in all 500+ words to get the point across. There was something about watering that plant. I didn't know he was into gardening.)

Can bunny boilers be men?

Can you break up with someone you've never even met?

I had already composed my final response before I got to the scroll down, so I sent it and just ignored his desperate plea.

But wait. There's more.

His next response (this one only 350 words, too bad) is a full-on psychoanalytic attack of my character and my relationship history. He says he needs to get in the last word to "balance the power between us." It's so full of assumptions about me, my relationship with Mr. Nice (which ended with sadness but mutual respect and dignity), and my perceptions of men (you only have to know me for about five minutes to know that I'm not one to categorize "all men" as any particular way). Apparently, I'm no "spring chicken" and need to step up and be "brave," that I'm not going to be able to get away with this behavior for much longer.

Oh, and that he's blocking me from his IM. So there. Nah nah.

I just responded to say that it's fine if he needs to reach such conclusions about someone he barely knows, that we had ONE phone call (ONE) which doesn't a relationship make, and that he knows nothing about my relationship with Mr. Nice or about me.

I was polite, because that's my way (little does he know the most common OLD response is simply to ignore the other person; how would he react to that?!) But here's the suggested response of a friend of mine:

thank you for making it clear to me that I was right in not wanting to meet you. You're right about one thing: I didn't cancel our date JUST because I'm not quite over my last relationship. I canceled it because I got a bad feeling about someone who couldn't figure out a way to go on a date without insisting it cost him nothing. Now I see that not only are you a cheap bastard, but you're a pompous ass who can't handle rejection. How I choose to use ___ is none of your business; in fact, nothing in my life is any of your business at this point. I'd wish you good luck in your search, but I'm more inclined to wish luck to the next woman to talk to you for a few hours and believe, mistakenly, that you are worthy of her effort.

All of this because I told him I'm not ready to date him two weeks after my last relationship. Enter Mr. Glenn Close. Bunny boiler, indeed.

Why Bother?

2008-07-05T22:28:00.001-07:00

I'm forcing myself back into the dating world. It's a way to help avoid sitting around obsessing over Mr. Nice. I'm not looking for anything real, and I'm being very upfront about this with the men I'm chatting with.

Tomorrow I have my first alleged date with some guy I met on-line. We had a fun talk on the phone the other night and decided to meet up this weekend. I just got a voice mail from him. It goes like this:

We'll have to do something for free because I lost my ATM card in the machine on Friday and I have no cash.

Okay, I'm not the kind of gal who expects a guy to pay on the first date. I'm happy to go dutch in fact. But this is beyond tacky. First off, what free thing is there to do on a Sunday evening with someone you've never met before? (Besides come back to my place for sex?) Secondly, can you not just call a friend and say, "Yo, buddy. I have a first date with this hot chick Sunday evening and I lost my ATM card. Can I borrow twenty bucks?" That should be enough to cover a Pabst Blue Ribbon at some dive bar and bus fare home. (Yeah, that's right. I said home. Not back to my place for sex.)

This is the kind of thing that happened to me when I was in college. When the guys were 19 and asked to borrow seventy nine cents to buy a burrito at Taco Bell.

Seriously, sitting on my butt on the sofa and watching my butt expand is looking more and more appealing.

Ten Days Later

2008-07-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

I've been e-mailing with Mr. Nice. We aren't getting back together, but it has brought some clarity to the situation. Ultimately, this is a case of him not being ready to be in a relationship. There is nothing about me or us that was problematic. He has no problems with me. He tried to make it work; he wanted to make it work. But something was pushing him to end things, something inside, something intangible, something he needs to work on away from me.

I told him that I think it's best if we cut communication for awhile, that we're talking in circles and neither of us has any real answers. I said that if the thing "wrong" with our relationship is that he isn't ready, I'm not about to beg, nag, or plead him to stay with me. I know that I cannot force him to be ready for something he's not ready for.

I told him that this would be much easier if I could hate him. The one thing I've never questioned is his kindness and his sincerity. It just sucks that something so promising has to end because one person isn't emotionally available.

In the meantime, I'll force myself to move forward, to not cling to that glimmer of hope that someday my Mr. Nice will be back for me, ready to make things work.

As we all know, things like that only work in the movies.

Ah, the joys of on-line dating...

2008-06-26T16:35:00.001-07:00

In an attempt to force myself to move on, I posted my profile at an on-line dating site. I'm distracting myself by winking and e-mailing with random fellows, not necessarily looking for dates or romance, but just having fun flirting. I received an e-mail this morning from a potential match. It reads:

are you a thong or brief kinda gal at 5'10"?
well groomed? shaved/waxed?
good kisser?

Well, with a catch like that beating on my inbox, who needs a budding relationship that was built on mutual attraction, endless sexual chemistry, common interests and life goals, a fun mental spark, good communication, patience, respect, caring, etc. etc.?

Words of Wisdom

2008-06-26T08:22:00.001-07:00

When you've been unexpectedly dumped, right at the moment where you felt that your relationship really could become something special, by a man you were falling in love with who you thought was falling in love with you, by a man who couldn't keep his hands off of you, who went out of his way to do special things for you, who you never fought or bickered with, who balanced you out, who you always had fun with, who you were developing what seemed like a foundation based on mutual respect, caring, and trust...

...do not, under any circumstances watch The Notebook.

It's been awhile

2008-06-22T17:13:00.001-07:00

I haven't had much to blog about because, well, things have been going well.

There's always a "but" though, isn't there?

It's over. Mr. Nice ended things (very abruptly) last night. For those still checking my blog out, I'll post an update in the next few days, after I've gotten some sleep and purged my body of all of these tears.

At least I'll have more fun and exciting stories from the dating world to write about. I do what I can to keep my audience happy.

I'm falling

2008-05-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

Falling

Falling

Over the edge

And it's scaring the crap out of me...

Male time versus female time

2008-04-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

It's been a couple of weeks since Mr. Nice and I have gotten together. He went out of town for five days last week, and last weekend said he was pretty swamped with work and didn't think he'd be able to get together over the weekend. He asked if I could get together earlier this week, but I was busy. So we made a plan for tonight.

Well, not to get all Mars and Venus on you, but in typical female form, I've been freaking out for much of the week. Thoughts swim through my head: Has me met someone else? Is he pulling away? Is he getting ready to dump me? Is he questioning where this is going?

We just chatted on the phone, to set a plan for the night. The conversation goes as follows:

Him: It feels like it's been awhile since we've met up.
Me: Yeah, I think it's been two weeks.
Him: It has?
Me: Yeah, remember you went out of town and then we didn't get together this past weekend.
Him: Oh yeah.

Ready for the next step (?)

2008-04-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

How do you know when you're ready to advance the relationship? There's one side that thinks that these things just "happen" naturally. Then again, there's another side that says it's best to make a conscious decision to be together.

It's been three weeks since Mr. Nice and I had our first big relationship talk. At the time, we agreed that taking things one date at a time was for the best.

But now, three weeks later, I feel like I'm moving to a place where one date at a time might not be enough. It's not that I'm unhappy with him or even want or need to see him more often (we're both fairly busy to begin with and he's been traveling for work so frequently that I'm not even sure that's possible). But it's more that I'm starting to feel like "one date at a time" is getting a bit redundant. It's more that I'm starting to feel that he and I are getting more emotionally and intellectually involved without making things "official."

I wonder how far we can progress without doing so.

But I've never dated anyone like this before. He's such a different man than the men in my past, and we're approaching this so differently. In the past, I rushed in without even thinking about my needs or desires or even about whether or not I really liked the guy. It just happened. And in every single case, the guy -- and the relationship -- quickly turned into a disaster.

This way, for all its stresses, feels so much better. At least it feels better for this relationship.

You are now entering...

2008-04-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

...a bizarre, parallel dating universe.

Friday night before we went to sleep, Mr. Nice suggested that we hang curtains in my bedroom. I'm not sure what triggered this suggestion (well, beyond the fact that I've lived in my condo for over a year and still have my curtains taped and tacked up to the wall like I'm in a college dorm room or something) as we had been talking about taking a nice hike or something on Saturday.

But the man's an engineer. Who's going to turn down an offer like that?!

The day passed in a blur. After a nice brunch, we came back to my place to get ready to head out to buy supplies. There was a lot of measuring and writing down of numbers. We went to three different stores, bought some lovely curtains and curtain rods and (after a lengthy conversation at the hardware store about the different types of screws to use on drywall versus mortar versus wood) my very-first level.

Again, we came back to my place. A lot of measuring and writing down of numbers and taping and more measuring and levelling went on.

Mostly, I sat on the bed (looking cute) and watched Mr. Nice's butt. He didn't seem to mind, but instead worked away, every few minutes turning around (looking cute) to flash me a grin.
I did make juice. And handed him tools every few minutes.

What on earth has happened to me? A few years ago I would have protested, I can hang my own curtains, thankyouverymuch, and wound up slapping up some cheap, lopsided rods (probably not for another year or so, probably right before I decide to move again). I would have stood on my feminist soapbox and demanded that we break the duties in half.

I know there are plenty of things I can do that Mr. Nice can't, and I also know that he doesn't view me as some helpless, frail princess, waiting for her prince to hang her curtains. As he was leaving, I said to him, Well, you've proven yourself worthy; I'll keep you around....now to figure out what I can do for you!

Because in the end, I must admit that (1) Mr. Nice really is the best man -- the best person -- for a job like this; (2) if he's the best person, I'm truly one of the worst people for a job like this; (3) I really don't think there's anything wrong with watching his butt while he hangs curtains.

Unloading baggage

2008-04-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

A friend suggested I check out a chapter from Norah Vincent's Self-Made Man, which is the story of the year that Vincent attempted to pass as a heterosexual man. I haven't read the entire book yet, but the chapter my friend suggested is entitled "Love." The author says that her most difficult, her most challenging experiences as a man ("Ned") were with dating women. Ned was stunned by the blatant hostility he received as a man, hostility that wasn't due to anything Ned had said or done but that seemed to be targeted at him purely because of his sex. Vincent writes:

For [these women], as for so many of us, romantic hurt equaled romantic blame, and because they were exclusive heterosexuals, romantic blame was assigned more often to the sex, not the morals, of the person inflicting the pain (100).

In essence, when a woman is hurt by a man, she assumes that ALL MEN will behave this same way. Her guard is up before the man has even spoken, before they've even met, and their courtship is about him trying to prove otherwise. Instead of thinking, "You're innocent until you prove otherwise," these women are thinking, "You're guilty until you prove yourself innocent."

I know I've been guilty of this in my past, and letting go of the baggage from relationships past (and not letting it sabotage my relationships present) is one of life's biggest challenges. It's one of my ongoing challenges. A friend of mine, a single (but dating) New Yorker in her early 40s, has advised me to keep my guard up around Mr. Nice. She tells me that I need to not put myself out there too quickly, to keep my options open, to be prepared for the worst. And while I understand where she is coming from -- and even agree, to an extent, that of course you need to be careful about making yourself too vulnerable around someone you've just met a few days or weeks ago...real trust and intimacy takes time to build, after all -- I can't let myself live in such a negative way. I need optimism if I'm going to make my life -- and my quest for love -- work.

Quite literally minutes before my first date with Mr. Nice, my attitude shifted. So often with dating, especially with on-line dating, I approach the date thinking, "What's the point of getting excited about this when I know it won't work in the end?" With him, I let myself get excited. I thought to myself, "Wait a second...what if this DOES work? What if this DOES turn into something real? Isn't that kind of exciting to think about?" And I carried that positive attitude into our date and he noticed it, liked it, was attracted to it.

That isn't to say that I walked into our date with a marriage proposal. No, not at all. I knew it was only one date. But I walked into it open to the possibility of meeting someone special; I walked into it thinking, "This is a person I want to meet" as opposed to "This is just another man who's out to hurt me."

A couple of years ago, doing research for a writing project, I went to an all-woman dating seminar. The teacher was talking about this very subject. She told us that she talks to men, good and kind and sincere men, who often ask her, "Why do women always have their arms crossed? Are they holding their breasts up?"

It's a subtle movement, but it's a sign of the defensiveness that so many women carry inside of them. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy as our defensiveness pushes men away time and time again.

Ladies, I think it's time to uncross our arms.

Can we (gulp) talk?

2008-03-31T12:59:00.000-07:00

What is it about communication with your (new? potential? quasi?) partner that is so intimidating? We all know, or I hope we all know, that the key to a healthy relationship is communication, being honest and open, being real. So why do we hide our feelings so much?

Saturday night, Mr. Nice initiated our first big "where are we now?" talk. It was terrifying. We talked about relationships past, some of our fears and insecurities about moving forward too quickly. We agreed that it's still too soon to talk about this in terms of making a long-term commitment, but at the same time we agreed that things as they are right now are looking pretty damn good. While there still is much uncertainty about the future of this whatevership, I know it was the right thing to do. So much of the anxiety I've been having over the past couple of weeks has stemmed from my not knowing where he's coming from (and from my not feeling like he knows where I'm coming from).

I think I shy away from being assertive in relationships out of fear of rejection; perhaps I think that if I stay silent, the relationship will magically work itself out. Even now, I'm finding myself worry that I've exposed too much, that Mr. Nice has figured out that I'm "crazy." I know it's ridiculous, that it would be better to voice what I'm feeling and be rejected than to hide it inside and suffer miserably (and probably wind up rejected in the long run, anyway).

Are we all just crazy?

2008-03-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

I've been dating Mr. Nice for about two months now. When we're together, things are effortless. We are both so into each other, it stuns me.

But that doesn't mean all of the baggage from relationships past is gone. All of that is still there, all of that still needs to be worked on. I find myself, in the days between our dates, totally and utterly freaking out about, well, about nothing. In my brain -- and I know where this comes from; it comes from the men in the past who did this -- I conjure up this twisted fantasy where Mr. Nice will all-of-a-sudden reveal his true colors, that he'll lose interest in me over, well, over nothing.

What's helped is to talk to others, to talk to people who are in solid, committed relationships. And do you know what I'm learning? That every single person I know was infected by the crazy in the early stages of their relationships (and the crazy even pops back into the picture from time-to-time years into the relationship). I suppose it's a natural thing to go through when one is making oneself vulnerable and exposed in front of another person. Trust -- and intimacy -- takes time to build, but it's easy to let the crazy take over entirely, to let it consume us and destroy our perspective. The Crazy is simply our attempt at protecting ourselves; but in the end, if left unchecked, it leads only to one thing: sabotage.

But in the end, when I'm left alone in my protective shell, I have to ponder, "What am I missing out on?"

The other day, when I was spinning my wheels over, well, over nothing, a wise friend said to me, "OK, this is when your dear friend sits you down (virtually) and tells you to CHILL...THINGS ARE FINE! Stop looking for them not to be!"

Wise words, indeed.

Book Review -- The Girls' Guide To Hunting and Fishing

2008-03-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, I picked up a copy of the popular: The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing, by Melissa Bank. I wasn't all that impressed with it at the time, blasted through it in a few hours with a casual, "Shrugg. Cute."

But a couple of weeks ago, after talking with a friend about expectations and dating, I found myself picking the book up again when she suggested I read the title story. In it, the narrator, a relationship-challenged woman named Jane, finds herself struggling with what "rules" she should follow when she meets the man of her dreams. She receives a copy of a book that outlines strict guidelines for her behavior, and enters her new relationship following every bit of advice. As she contemplates her every move, the writers of the book whisper in her ear: "Don't accept a date less than four days in advance!" "Make him wonder a little!" "Don't be negative!" "Be mysterious!" "Keep him guessing!"

Essentially, be everything but what you are in order to get the man. You can be yourself only after you've gotten him.

It's advice that we've all heard, advice we've all read, and that most of us struggle with because on some level, we know that playing these games "works". For Jane, the advice obviously works at first; she lands the guy and he courts her with enthusiasm. But -- and I know you saw this coming -- in the end, it backfires. Her man pulls away, and she finds herself at a crossroads: Adhere to these "rules" or return to being myself?

I won't spoil the ending for you, but I found myself at a similar junction this weekend. Mr. Nice -- you know, Bachelor #2 -- had turned down my invitation to go hiking this weekend because he had the flu. But yesterday afternoon -- you know, Saturday afternoon -- he called to say that he was feeling better; he asked if I had made new plans and then said if I hadn't, he'd love for me to come over for dinner.

I paused. The voices started in my head. Don't accept a last-minute invitation with him! Don't be so available! Don't let him think you've been sitting around, waiting for his call!

But the truth was, I didn't have plans beyond watching a movie and taking a bubble bath. The truth was, I wanted to see him. He knows I have a life outside of him; my independence and sense of self is what attracted him to me in the first place. I looked inside of my self and said, "I refuse to play games with him."

So I took a deep breath and said, "I'd love to have dinner with you."

I won't spoil the ending for you.

A dater's rant

2008-03-02T17:03:00.000-08:00

There are days, okay most days, where I am just sick and tired of DATING.

Right now, I'm dating this pretty damn wonderful man. It's only been just over a month, so it's still too soon to tell where it's heading, but at this moment, I'm pretty damn happy when we're together. In the last month, we've had several lovely dates, some spanning 24 (or more) hours. We've gotten dressed up and gone all out; we've gotten dressed down and stayed in. He doesn't hesitate to talk about future-oriented things; he's even referred to our "relationship" and called me his girl. We're starting to have intimate conversations about who we are and what we want. We seem to be on the same page about so many things, and we seem to balance each other out. We have amazing sexual chemistry, but the chemistry doesn't stop in the bedroom. We genuinely have a good time together, and when we're together, things just feel comfortable. For one month of dating, it's pretty damn good.

Yes, there's a but.

But, the problem with dating someone for only one month is that I have no sense of what to expect -- from him, from me, from "us." Two weeks ago, we agreed that we both see long-term potential but that it's too soon to have a "C"ommitment. At the time, neither one of us was seeing anyone else, but we agreed that it was possible that one of us could meet someone else.

In my head, I know this is the way that dating often works. I know that it's best to not rush into anything, that a "C"ommitment too soon is often too rushed. I know that I need to stay calm, that if it doesn't work out, I haven't lost my self; I know that if it doesn't work out, I'll be fine -- and that if it does work out, it'll be pretty damn wonderful.

But in my heart, something is shifting, and it's driving me batty. The truth is, I'm really starting to like this guy, I'm really starting to fall for him, and I'm finding myself feeling exposed and vulnerable. It's bringing to the surface so many of my insecurities from relationships past, things I know I have to work on by myself and not impose upon Bachelor #2.

I'm not dating anyone else, but I'm forcing myself to log-in to the dating site where I met Bachelor #2, forcing myself to "wink" and e-mail guys I'm totally not interested in. I find myself upset and frustrated when I notice that Bachelor #2 has been active (nevermind that I've been active, though to be honest sometimes I log-in just to see if he's logged-in!) but I find myself terrified to bring up the (gulp!) subject of monogamy. In spite of my insecurities, it still feels too soon; but perhaps it feeling too soon is simply another one of my insecurities revealed.

Like I said, I don't know what to expect. Should we see each other more often? Should we be talking on the phone every day? If we go a week without seeing each other, does that mean neither of us is into each other? I'm reminded that he's dealing with his own "stuff," just like me, that he has his own insecurities about dating, and I need to be patient with him. But just as important I need to be patient with myself.

The first couple of months of dating are at once utterly thrilling and utterly terrifying. I have to remember that when I meet the right person, it will all be worth it.

It will all be worth it, right?

Nice guys....finish....

2008-02-20T16:09:00.001-08:00

I was talking with a single friend of mine about Bachelor #2 this afternoon. He's the sweetest guy, I said to her. He's just so nice.

He is nice. He calls me on a regular basis. He gives me a ride home when I've missed the last train. He listens and helps me into my coat and has offered to help me buy the missing cables so that I can (finally) hook up the printer I've had collecting dust for the past ten months. I can't really explain it. He's just nice.

But, I went on to my colleague.

You're waiting for the other shoe to drop? she said knowingly.

Sadly, she's right. I'll catch myself not believing that he can possibly be this nice, as if niceness comes in limited quantities, and once it runs out, asshole emerges. After decades of dating losers, when nice enters the picture, it's hard to remove our cynical armor.

The thing is, though, I really think he is this nice, that he's just a nice guy. And the more I think about it, when I sort through my mental list of controlling, patronizing, distant, unavailable (but Interesting! Artistic! Mysterious!) relationships past, I realize that nice might be the most-important thing. I'm learning to push aside my cynicism and see Bachelor #2 for who he is: Nice. I'm learning to believe in nice.

A month or so ago, right when I was starting to chat with Bachelor #2, I was out at a dinner party to celebrate my friend A's birthday. After years of dramatic break-ups with complicated and distant men, she had just started dating a new guy, who had come along for the evening, and when a couple of us started asking her about him, she said with a tiny smile on her face, I don't know. He's just nice, you know?

And right now, dating my own nice guy, I'm left thinking that maybe my friend, A, is onto something.

Nice is nice, isn't it?

Dating in Triplicate -- the first glitch

2008-02-02T10:49:00.000-08:00

You go out with someone you like. You have a really good first date.

You meet up, just for drinks, and wind up practically closing the bar several hours later.

He holds your hand.

You make out by your car.

He e-mails the next day to set up the second "mystery date" (oh, I am such a sucker for the mystery date).

What's a dating in triplicate gal to do?

Immediately contact Bachelor #1, of course. We didn't spark as much as Bachelor #2 and I did, but we did have a fun evening, another good first date.

Remember that Dating in Triplicate is NOT about being a player. It's about taking your time and not putting your eggs in one basket (pardon the cliche) too soon. It's about keeping a level head and not closing your options just because you feel the stomach flip. It's about dating with both your head and your heart, it's about dating smart.

Dating in Triplicate

2008-01-27T10:19:00.001-08:00

This is my dating philosophy for 2008. Perhaps it seems obvious, but what this means is that my goal is to always have three men in rotation at once (and if I happen to only have two or even one, I'm always looking for replacements). They don't have to all be men I'm actively dating (though that's the ideal!) but simply men who are possibilities for dating.

Dating in Triplicate isn't about becoming a player; no, that was my life in my twenties. I've come to the recent epiphany that I want a real relationship, a grown-up relationship, a stable relationship. But my problem has always been dealing with the first few weeks of dating. Either I get so frustrated with the process of dating that I wind up acting cynical (or I step out of the dating world entirely, for we all know it's much easier -- much safer -- to just return to the known, even if the known means spending Saturday night watching Dirty Dancing for the 103rd time while drinking champagne and eating chocolate in the tub) or I throw myself in so quickly because I've spotted what I think is a good thing that I wind up hurt in the end (see: "Dodged a Bullet").

No, Dating in Triplicate is about seeing dating for what it is: Not a whole lot in the early stages. It allows me to relax when I'm meeting new men, perhaps to be more of myself. Because when Dating in Triplicate, if a man rejects me, it doesn't matter; there's always another date on the horizon. When Dating in Triplicate, I hope to be more open to the signs that a man isn't right for me and less apt to cling to him, just because the alternative is being alone.

We'll see how this new philosophy works out. So far, it seems to be working well. I have two men on the plate (and a third, unknown bachelor is out there somewhere) and I've been fairly chilled out about seeing them and even more chilled out about whether or not they want to see me.

Very Interesting

2008-01-16T10:46:00.001-08:00

I have just received a voice mail from Bachelor #1, saying that he takes full responsibility for being so flaky about our date (busy campaigning for Barack Obama blah blah blah) and that he'd still like to see him, if I'm willing to give him another chance.

Very curious. Curious, indeed.

It's official

2008-01-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

I have been stood up. Yes, I realize I didn't try and contact Bachelor #1 (I've reset my dating counter to zero) either, but call me old fashioned, I like a man to show me that he's into me.

Clearly this one isn't.

Men, here's a list of acceptable ways to cancel a date with a woman. Phone, texting, or e-mail are all acceptable means to an end. Note: Telling the truth is not essential here.

I've met someone else (or is that too obvious?);
I'm entering the witness protection program;
I've just joined Doctors Without Borders and will be moving to Cambodia for six months;
I've been traded to the Yankees (if you happen to be in New York, say, "I've been traded to the Dodgers);
I'm gay;
I'm joining a monastery;
I'm joining a monastery because I think I'm gay.

Back into the game

2008-01-15T14:20:00.000-08:00

After a few weeks dating hiatus, I'm about to go on yet-another first date.

It's with a guy I met on-line.

I'm completely and utterly apathetic about it. There's just no excitement, no thrill, no romance. It goes like this:

He: Checks me out
I: E-mail him
We: Exchange a handful of e-mails
He: Asks me if I want to go to lunch...in seven days
I: Say, "Okay"
We: Exchange numbers
Then: Total silence for a week

How on earth am I supposed to be excited about a lunch date with some random guy I don't know, have never met, when we haven't even exchanged a "hello" in a week?

I realize that everyone "knows someone who met their husband/wife/partner" through on-line dating, but honestly, I think it's a whole lotta effort for a whole lotta nuthin'!

Still, I'll try and be optimistic!

Outstanding

2007-12-18T13:20:00.000-08:00

A couple of days ago, I turned back on my on-line profile. I just received an e-mail from a shirtless (and apparently headless) man (and it goes without saying that he's e-mailed me before) that reads:

You know you got that nawty look right?

Hmmm. Very interesting. D'ya think this method works for him often?

Run, don't walk

2007-12-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

Away from "Therapy Guy."

Let me start by saying that I have no problem with a person who chooses to go to therapy. Anyone brave enough to recognize that s/he has problems that are too tough to handle alone deserves kudos. However, I have learned there is a huge difference between "Going to Therapy" and becoming "Therapy Guy."

At first, Therapy Guy seems like a grounded, healthy person. He is upfront and direct in stating what he is looking for; he is upfront and direct in recognizing the problems in his past, and he tells you that he is dealing with these problems. He is attentive and communicative and talks about things like personal responsibility and recovery and process. He will treat you in a way that no other man has treated you; he is available and doesn't play games and behaves like he genuinely wants to be around you. He is ready for a real relationship, after all, and he is not afraid to admit it.

Ordinarily, a man with mother issues, trust issues, relationship issues would be a big red flag; but Therapy Guy is aware and he is working on himself. You think, Outstanding. A guy who is honest, sensitive, and not afraid. A guy who is "evolved." He may not have the perfect past, but who among us does? This one, he's different. He's working through his past, not being defined by it.

But then, the cracks start to show. Like a recovering alcoholic who looks down her nose at someone having a drink or an ex-smoker who coughs the second someone lights up, Therapy Guy isn't all that. You can't have a conversation without analyzing, Who, what, where, when, why? Why? Why? Why????? Life doesn't seem to exist outside of his head. Every situation warrants analysis. He cannot simply appreciate the moment. When you have a feeling, you must immediately own it; you cannot just have it and process it later.

But most important, when things get sticky, Therapy Guy will deconstruct you, dissect you, tell you exactly where you went wrong. Because he is the Supreme Authority on all things psychoanalytic, you will be left feeling shattered, destroyed, but the echo of "Take responsibility for yourself" will make you feel guilty and insecure about feeling these things in the first place. Therapy Guy, after all, speaks the Truth about life. He knows. He knows.

For Therapy Guy, recovery defines his life. Therapy isn't a way to get to a healthy existence; it defines his existence. It gives him an answer for every question that life presents; it makes him feel safe, secure, justified, right.

You know he isn't a terrible person; you know he is still figuring things out; you know that all he said to you, about you, had less to do with you and more to do with him. Maybe, hopefully he will eventually figure things out. But for now, run, don't walk away from Therapy Guy. Don't let his analysis of you define your life.

What's difficult...

2007-12-05T21:12:00.000-08:00

When something ends, even something that was still pretty new, it's hard to not internalize the cruelty and unkindness from someone you believed to be kind. Today I found the birthday card that A gave me. It reads:

That girl...she feels in italics and thinks in CAPITALS --Henry James

That's you! (Sensitive and Sensational you)

Signed with a handwritten note

...As much as I know so far. Love, A

Pretty much a card that sums me up entirely.

Don't worry. I shredded it.

Dodged a bullet?

2007-12-04T23:52:00.000-08:00

So I've been dating this guy for the past two months. He's sexy and smart and fun and interesting. Things have been looking good, very good, in fact. He's been direct with communicating with me, attentive and affectionate, quick to call me and return calls. He's left me flirty messages after our dates, telling me how much fun he had and he makes plans for future dates well in advance. He's cooked me dinner and brought me my favorite deserts. He brought me flowers on my birthday. He's told me that he's looking for a long-term relationship and that I'm different from other women he's dated, that I'm emotionally available. He's expressed happiness at how open I am at talking about my needs in the bedroom. He's told me how kind I am, how affectionate, how sexy, how smart, how sensual, how attractive; he's said how difficult it is to sleep beside my naked body. He's talked of future plans, hiking trails he wants to take me on and rafting trips he thinks I'd like. When I was swamped with grading essays, he did my laundry one evening so that we could hang out. A week and a half ago, he came to Thanksgiving dinner where he met ten of my closest friends and my mother.

And last night, he told me that he wants to see other women. When I asked him what had happened to make him lose interest when he had seemed so into developing a relationship with me for the past two months, he informed me that my thoughts on this being a potentially budding relationship exist solely in my head. He denied saying many of the above-mentioned things (or claimed that his actions didn't mean anything), said that I remembered things only as I wanted to and that he knows the "T"ruth about what happened. When I reminded him that he had said how different I am from other women he's dated, he said that there are plenty of women out there like me. He said that I lack courage and am childish and don't know anything about real intimacy. He questioned why I had sex with him so quickly (though he didn't seem to question himself). He said I'm still hung up on my "dead" father and that because of this I'm constantly anxious around him.

Hmmmm....how long d'ya think it'll take for me to get over this one?

Very Interesting...

2007-10-21T13:01:00.001-07:00

Now that I'm actually dating-dating someone, I'm not posting about it.

Hmmmmmm......

I know I've said this before

2007-09-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

In fact, I know I've said it more than once.

Hell, I know I've been there more than once.

But I will never understand why some women simply cannot face being alone.

I have a dear friend, D, who has been traveling for the past few months. She unofficially left behind a dysfunctional relationship, so I know that the trip was a way for her to reconnect with herself. But now she keeps putting off her return.

Every couple of weeks, I get an over-the-top e-mail from her, squeeing about some perfect guy that she's met, one that's "different" than the rest, one that might be "the one." Then a couple of weeks later, she'll send an over-the-top e-mail of frustration about how the whatevership has flatlined and that she can't figure out men.

Now, as a traveling kind of gal myself, I certainly understand the romanticized world of travel, how everyone you meet is new and exciting and how because you're removed from reality, you give yourself permission to act like a naive teenager again.

I get that.

But in this case, what I really think is going on is that my friend is afraid to come home. She's afraid to face her not-officially-over relationship, afraid that without a new lover stowed away in her carry-on, she'll fall back into a relationship she can't bear to let go of if she's alone. Maybe more travel is best; maybe it will eventually lead her to herself. But I can't help but fear that ultimately it is only leading her away from her self, leading her away from confronting the complexities, the good and the bad, of her reality.

Sunday Musings

2007-09-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

Funny how few people understand the happiness a gal finds with being single. Funny how many of them worry about my being single as if I were dying of cancer or suffering from addiction. Their intentions are almost always good, so I don't get too irritated by their concerns; I just keep on living and seeing where that leads me.

But it continues.

For a couple of years now, C's boyfriend, F, has been auditioning (yes, that is the right word for it) potential dates at the neighborhood Peet's for me. F has very high standards for me. Too high. No man seems good enough. He's been talking about this one guy, Bachelor X, for several months now.

I keep asking, "When's F gonna deliver the goods?"

"Soon," C will say.

Now, apparently, F has some new potentials in mind. Let's call them Bachelors Y, Z, and AA. I said, "Why doesn't he just line them up in front of me, cattle-call style, and we'll get through them far more quickly?"

For all that I'm flattered by F's dedication, and even more flattered by his standards (far higher than the standards I had for myself in my 20s and early 30s, when men with pulses and high libidos were good enough for me) I feel like saying, "Yo, F! No man is perfect!"

But I must remember my patience. It's taken me 35 years and 11 months to figure that out. As F has only been looking for me for two years, I guess he's got some figuring out left for himself to do.

For the first time in the history of humankind

2007-09-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

(Yes, it's been awhile; no, I haven't gone and gotten married!)

Friday night, C and I decided to do a little bar-hopping. We were at one of our favorite Mission bars, Dalva, when these two guys approached us. We were having a good time talking and flirting with them, when one of them suddenly says:

I moved to San Francisco two years ago, and pretty much all I've done is have casual sex. Now that I'm 32, I'm ready to find the woman of my dreams, settle down, and have babies with her.

I said to him, do you really want children? Or is it simply that you think that's what a 32-year-old man should do?

He said that he had never given it much thought before. At this point, he and his friend ordered fresh pints. Just as he was taking that first, satisfying swig, I said:

I find it interesting how many men make that decision so abruptly when they hit their early 30s, as it's just so foreign to me. Though you're sitting here with two women who have pretty much decided that they don't want children.

He puts down his beer and turns to his friend and says, "You about ready to go?" and then turns to us and says, "Bye." They immediately leave the bar, full beers abandoned on the counter.

Very strange, indeed.

A New Space

2007-05-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile, hasn't it? I'd like to report that I've been spending the past couple of months having wild sex in a wild jungle with a wild man....

But that would be a lie.

No, I've been in a state of not-dating. Or perhaps I should call it non-dating. Or simply dating myself. For awhile, I was worried that I had reverted back to a state of bitterness and cynicism, but in the last few days I've realized that I've arrived at a place of post-cynicism. I'm not cynical. I'm not bitter. I'm actually quite content with things the way they are.

For the first time, I'm fully embracing not dating. Not even trying to date. I've been enjoying hanging out with friends, having dinner parties, hanging out solo, nesting. They say that when you arrive at this space, that's when you meet someone. But in my case, I tend to disagree.

Why is it?

2007-03-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

Every conversation that I have with someone who's considering fixing me up with a man s/he knows starts like this:

I know the two of you will really hit it off, but*...

*insert: he's a heroin addict, in jail, gay, still married, in dire need of therapy, lives in Argentina...

He said what?!?!

2007-03-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I dated this guy, J. We had a fun time -- wild conversations and wild sex defined our relationship, and we spent several months together, living passionately. I thought things were heading in a good direction (heck, I thought they were heading in some direction, any direction) when he turned into a big ol' cliche and cheated on me (correction: found his "soul mate") at Burning Man.

Needless to say, I was crushed.

Fast forward to this Friday. I'm enoying exploring my new neighborhood and am enjoying a cup of coffee at the good Peets when a quasi-familiar guy approaches me. A bit greyer and a few more lines in his face, but it was Cheating J himself. Now, several years have passed, so I'm not angry with him; in fact, I can't think of the last time I seriously thought of him. We had a nice conversation. It turns out that he lives minutes from my new condo.

Oh, and he's unemployed.

And he now owns multiple cats.

(I'm not angry, but a gal can still find pleasure in these things, right?)

Well, I was not at all surprised when suddenly Cheating J says, "So, maybe I can give you a tour of the neighborhood sometime."

(Translation: Break into an abandoned building with you and have sex in the bathtub.)

I paused for a moment, okay for three moments, took a deep breath (maybe two) and said, "No thank you. I have friends."

And that was the end of Cheating J.

Why is it always the ones you don't want?

2007-02-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

And never the ones you do?

I changed my on-line dating profile to reflect my move, and within HOURS of updating it, Bachelor #1 had responded to say, "So, you're moving to my neighborhood?"

Yes, yes. My move has everything to do with you.

Dating Hiatus!

2007-01-29T11:06:00.000-08:00

Just as I started collecting a few loyal readers, I disappeared.

I'm in the middle of buying (yes, you read that right: BUYING) a condo in Oakland, so I haven't had time to think about dating, let alone actually find time to date. But here's hoping that will all change as I'll have a whole new city of men to explore in a few weeks.

Book Review -- The Between Boyfriends Book

2006-12-21T23:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not a fan of self help in the slightest. I'm more of a drink-another-glass-of-champagne-and-everything-will-look-brighter kind of gal. But after my last dating disaster (actually, it was more of the doldrums than a disaster, but that's neither here nor there) I decided that maybe some professional help might be needed.

So I headed where every gal in search of professional help goes (well, besides Saks): Borders. And proceeded to sneak my way to the pseudo-psychology wall. A list of titles follows: How to Get Married after 35 (er, do I want to get married? do I need to decide while I'm in Borders?); Finding a "Keeper" -- A Handbook for Women Over 35 In Search of Mr. Right (why are these books all about single women over 35 finding Mr. Right? am I missing something?); Date Like a Man: What Men Know About Dating And Are Afraid You'll Find Out (okay, why would I want to date like a man when I can barely figure out how to date like a woman?); Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (do I even need to comment on this title?)

When I spotted a lone copy of The Rules on the shelf, I started to tremble*. But then I spotted: The Between Boyfriends Book by Cindy Chupack, Emmy-winning writer for Sex and the City (RIP: 1998 - 2004). My kind of self help, indeed. I scooped it up and on a rainy Monday night, buried myself under my covers for a fun read. The book is a collection of essays, though it reads well as a unit that delves into the the pains, the realities, and the absurdities of being a single woman. It's obvious that Chupack penned some of SATC's most memorable episodes as the voice is very reminiscent of the show with its original wit and sharp observations of what it's like to be "between boyfriends." In fact, some of the lines and experiences pretty clearly developed into some of the later episodes of the show.

Chupack doesn't claim to be an expert in dating or relationship advice; she claims more than once that she doesn't know what she's talking about (er, kinda like this blog; are you still reading?) But, much like our fictional girlfriend, Carrie Bradshaw, Chupack comes across as a friend who's on your side, who's been through the same bullshit that every single gal goes through; and most importantly, she comes across as a woman who still has hope in love. Some of the essays toward the end dragged a little bit (and a few drift from the focus a touch) though I read it in one sitting, so perhaps a re-read will make the last ones more memorable.

The book makes me realize that how to date can't really be taught in a book but can only be learned through experience and self awareness; however, a book can give you a story to make you feel less alone. And The Between Boyfriends Book does just that!

*Okay, I exaggerate. I didn't really see The Rules in Borders. But the whole experience reminded me that my friend Melanie's mother sent us a copy of The Rules when we were in graduate school, and we thought the whole thing was so hilarious that we made up a dating board game complete with a point system to determine how long your relationship would last. Unfortunately, we decided that if you sleep with a guy on the first date, you would lose 10,000 points and he would gain the same, and that was a deficit that would be impossible to overcome -- even if you didn't return his phone calls for the next thirty two years; both of us being sluts, we decided to just go to the bar for some drinks and promptly forgot about the whole thing. Until Borders, that is.

Sahara

2006-12-20T09:33:00.000-08:00

I was out to dinner the other night with E, C, and K. We were having our usual girlish chatter about life and love, and the recently-turned-29 E was talking about her wild escapades with a 24-year-old (ah, to be 29 again). C and K are happily coupled, and didn't have much to offer, but I somewhat tearfully said, "Oh E....my little girl's all grown up....you remind me of myself when I was your age.*"

But then the conversation took an unexpected turn. Mid-sentence, E started saying things like, "I want to have a baby in the next two years. I want to get pregnant soon."

My understanding of E fell off the table. Why have a baby when you're having 24-year-olds?

Then she said, "Do you know how long it's been since I've had sex? Since Thanksgiving!!!"

I paused for a moment's thought. Wasn't Thanksgiving just four weeks ago? "Thanksgiving of what year?" I said.

Then it struck me that this is the thing that separates single women in their late 20s from single women in their 30s. Four weeks seems like an eternity in your 20s, and it's merely a series of trips to Blockbuster in your 30s. Four weeks? I could do four weeks in my sleep! (Preferably in high-thread-count Egyptian cotton.) But it isn't a shift in desire or desireability; I know I'm entering my sexual prime; and I know I could get sex in a matter of days (hours, hell, minutes) if I really wanted it (see: Bachelor #1; also see random drunk friend who was hitting on me in the restaurant for the third time). But the thought of ripping off my clothes in a drunken haze with someone I don't really like -- and we women in our 30s know that, contrary to the movies, drunken one-night-stands are almost always dreadful -- leaves me feeling a bit queasy. You wake up feeling more lonely and lustful than you were the night before.

The next morning, I was talking with my friend, L, over coffee. L is an attractive single woman in her 40s. I told her the story of E, and she said, "It's closed for the season. What's the point of opening up shop for a few hours only to have to close it back down again? It's not worth it for one quick sale."

As tempting as the thought is of going to the pub round the corner for a little action, I know she's right. So I'll let my 20-something friends live my former life on my behalf and find contentment in my present life on my own. Even if it's at Blockbuster.

*Note: The second such ideas start spilling from your cocktail-filled mouth, it is best to go out and get yourself a date, a haircut, a new pair of shoes, or failing all of that: a puppy.

Next in line

2006-12-13T18:10:00.000-08:00

So I ended things (whatever "things" are after only two dates) with Bachelor #1. As much as he seemed like a good guy, I knew "things" weren't right when I spent our one and only make-out session looking at the clock in his car to make sure I didn't miss my train home.

Definitely not a good sign.

It's Official

2006-12-11T10:56:00.000-08:00

On-line dating men are strange.

One guy hotlisted me about three weeks ago, so I winked at him; he keeps viewing me and viewing me, but he never responds to my "wink" (how do I hate the "wink"? Let me count the ways).

Another guy viewed me a couple of weeks ago. I really liked his profile so I sent him an e-mail. Again, he keeps viewing me and viewing me and viewing me (er, hello men....I can tell every single time you "view" me, so if you're gonna do it obsessively, set your viewing profile to "private") and yet never responds to my e-mail.

On-line dating: why must you mock me so?

Indecision

2006-12-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

Date #2 with Bachelor #1 went just as good as the first one. We met on a rainy Bay Area night at the always fantastic Luka's for delish food and delish cocktails and decadently delish conversation. Bachelor #1 is so kind and easy to talk with, and it's pretty clear that he's very into me.

And yet, I hesitate. I contradict myself, mid-thought.

My stomach flips when he sends me an e-mail the morning of our date just to tell me that he's looking forward to seeing me; yet I can't muster up the energy to get ready to leave my apartment. I'm sitting there at the bar, one second totally into him; the next second I can't wait for the date to end. What is at the root of this indecision?

I talked with D about it this morning. He, of course, just laughed and called me neurotic and told me to shut the fuck up and just date the man. (Okay, he didn't really say it in those words.) On one level, I know he's right; things don't have to always be so difficult. But I also told D that I don't have to like someone just because he likes me. In my twenties, I might have behaved that way, but in my somewhat-more-stable thirties, I don't want that to be the reason I date anyone.

And I also reminded myself that this is the first person I've dated in months and that I haven't dated anyone even remotely seriously in over two years. It's a scary thought, getting back out there, letting go of these walls that I've constructed around myself. Every step away from my barrier makes me want to race back home to hide. That, of course, has nothing to do with Bachelor #1 (or #2, #3, #4, when they arrive) but only to do with me.

Ah, things were so much easier when I just went to the corner guy, got drunk, pointed, and said, "You, buddy. You're coming home with me!"

At least there's always this

2006-12-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

In the life of the San Francisco single gal, there is one thing that's certain. If you ever get lonely and truly desperate, there's always some homeless, crystal-meth addicted guy sleeping on a bench at the park who's willing to settle down and start a life with you. (Whether or not you want this life is entirely up to you!)

An Interesting Observation

2006-12-04T22:29:00.000-08:00

I just back from dinner with my friend, A. I was talking about my date with Bachelor #1 and mentioned that we split the tab. She was a bit perplexed by this, but said I should go out with him again as it's clear I'm way into him; however, if he doesn't pay for dinner this time, give him the boot.

Now, I'm a bit of a non-traditional gal who feels that if I reach for my wallet on a date (which I did) I should expect to pay my share. But even so, I listened to her advice, and we proceeded with dinner.

A few minutes later, as we were getting ready to leave, we were approached by two men. They shared their bottle of red with us, and we got to chatting with them about relationships; the subject of my date entered the conversation. I again mentioned that we split the tab, and both men immediately gave me the thumbs down sign. No if's, and's, or but's with these two. I should NOT give Bachelor #1 a green light for a second date.

Of course, I don't take advice so quickly from strangers in restaurants; Bachelor #1 and I have a second date scheduled for this Friday. However, it's gotten me thinking whether this seemingly-outdated rule of courtship is still the norm. After thinking about it, I realized that I can't think of the last first date I've had where the man didn't pay, even though I've always taken my wallet out and offered my share. I figure I can't judge Bachelor #1 when I initiated paying, but it is interesting to observe that my 3-person research sample all had the same reaction: Kick that man to the curb!

Hello....Balance????

2006-12-03T16:26:00.000-08:00

I've never been one for games. I like a man to be direct, and I like to be direct. When you want to call someone, call that someone. I'm fed up with "three day rules" for making (and returning) phone calls.

However, there has to be a limit when you're getting to know someone. There has to be a limit.

Case in point: I've had one date with Bachelor #1. One date. A very good date, one that left me giddy with anticipation of the second. And I was thrilled -- thrilled -- when I heard from him the next day. And the next day. And the next. The next. Next. I think in the week since our first date, I've received seven or eight e-mails and just as many voice mail messages, sometimes more quickly than I can respond with my hectic schedule.

Now, I'm fairly certain that he isn't a psycho stalker; I'm fairly certain that he's just a little excited about our fab first date. But there must be boundaries or a gal's gonna race for the hills (actually, more to the point, this gal's gonna race for another man to date). I keep thinking to myself, How would any man respond were I to shower him with this much attention this early in a whatevership? He'd run away, that much is certain.

Just calm down, buddy. Just breathe. I'm not going anywhere.

You are now entering....The Twilight Zone

2006-11-29T11:57:00.000-08:00

The Twilight Zone of dating, that is. Follow this bizarre chain of events if you can:

Sunday: Drinks and Appetizers with Bachelor #1

Monday: Follow-up phone call AND e-mail from Bachelor #1 to inform me he had a good time on our date

Wednesday: E-mail asking me out for Friday night

Ladies. Gentlemen. I believe THIS is the way things are supposed to be.

Signs of a good first date

2006-11-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

(1) Twenty minutes in, you start talking about your animals and simultaneously whip out your cell phones to obsessively share your hordes of pictures of your animal families;

(2) You get so excited talking about your love of all-things avocado that you leave the first restaurant to walk to a second restaurant to eat huge bowls of guacamole (and drink tequila*);

(3) Big hug and sweet cheek kisses goodnight;

(4) By 11 a.m. the following morning, he's already e-mailed to talk about scheduling the second date!

*Note: It is best to not drink tequila after consuming red wine, however, as you will wake up in the middle of the night and hurl! Or at least I did! Not that this means anything.

It's about time

2006-11-26T13:03:00.000-08:00

Since this IS a dater's blog, I figure that it's about time for me to get some dates. So in six hours, I will do just that. (Er, not get a date....go on a date.)

Will report back either with a good story or a horrifying story, but a story, nonetheless.

Hmmmm....question

2006-11-18T12:33:00.000-08:00

What is it about dating that causes otherwise sane and rational individuals to turn into quivering masses of insecurity, spending hours on end deconstructing one late phone call or one cancelled date or one confusing e-mail?

This isn't a criticism, for I've been there just as many times as the next gal (heck, or even guy). It's more an observation and perhaps one of the primary reasons why I fled from the dating world for the past few months.

The problem with on-line dating

2006-11-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

Well, one of many. The whole concept just utterly confuses me.

For example:

This guy e-mails me. I read his profile. He seems interesting. I e-mail him back. A few days pass. He e-mails me again. This time I wait a few days and e-mail him back. Five days later....nothing.*

Another example:

This guy hotlists me. I read his profile. He seems interesting. I send him a "wink" for encouragement. A week and a half later....nothing.

Like I said, the whole thing is utterly baffling to me. Yeah, I'm sure these guys are e-mailing a dozen women at a time, but even so...the games are exhausting. No, it's not exhausting; it's more annoying. I've tried on-line dating off-and-on for three years now, and it never seems to work for me.

*note: I realize I'll hear from him again eventually. This e-mail cycle will continue for weeks, perhaps even months, before we finally decide to meet up or I get bored with the cycle. You know, whichever comes first.

A moment in the single girl's life

2006-11-09T10:17:00.000-08:00

Two friends and I had plans to go to the opera. One asks, "Can I bring my boyfriend?" I say, "Why not?" The other asks, "The guy I'm dating wants to go."

So now it's me and two couples instead of me and my two friends. Loads of fun.

Step One

2006-10-30T19:09:00.000-08:00

So, I guess since I've started a blog about dating, I should think about getting some dates. Ten years ago this was as easy as finding a new pair of shoes, but today....not so easy. So I refreshed my on-line profile with some pics from the wedding:

And guess what? Within minutes (okay, hours) of re-posting my profile, this creepy guy whose profile I actually blocked a year or so ago, has already checked me out. And guess what? He's managed to become even more creepy by posting a shirtless picture of himself as his main photo. He has man boobs. Hmmm. Don't think I'll be responding to that!

An Introduction

2006-10-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

I guess I should start by explaining how and why "A Dater's Life" was born. Though now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, I don't even know if I can explain.

It was the summer of 2006, the summer before my 35th birthday, and I received a "Save the Date" e-mail from my years-younger friend MM, telling me that she was finally getting married. On my 35th birthday. It was the quintessential Sex and the City moment, but I didn't find myself laughing. Sure, I could make jokes to people about the absurdity of going to a wedding alone (well, with a gay man) on my 35th birthday when I hadn't been in a real relationship for over two years, hadn't even really dated anyone in that time period. I could search for the perfect outfit, drink copious amounts of champagne, treat myself to my favorite foods and then dance like a madwoman until 3 a.m. But on the inside, if I'm being honest, it was painful. Over the months that followed, I came to the realization that I had simply given up on dating. Dating was exhausting and frustrating and confusing and stressful, and I found myself totally clueless as to how to approach meeting men, now that I had grown up and stopped picking up random strangers at bars (which was how the vast majority of my dating life had gone). I found myself sitting at home alone more nights than I was going out, and while I found myself enjoying the quiet, the solitude, I couldn't help but feel it was a resignation to a state of being single and not true acceptance.

Like I said, I had given up.

Now, perhaps I am destined to be single forever. Let's be clear: I don't view being single as a failed life; there are countless things that I have accomplished -- that I will continue accomplishing -- as a single woman, and I am proud of the life that I have lived thus far. And if my future is to remain single, that is something I can learn to embrace. However, to quit trying is not the way I want to go. Quitting would be the real evidence of failure, and that is something I cannot accept in myself.

So I find myself, eight days after my 35th birthday, ready to challenge myself to go out there again, to find new ways to take risks for the possibility of love, to not just give up because a dater's life is difficult but to keep going because through that same difficulty the life of a dater can also be beautiful.

Thus the birth of "A Dater's Life."