There are days, okay most days, where I am just sick and tired of DATING.
Right now, I'm dating this pretty damn wonderful man. It's only been just over a month, so it's still too soon to tell where it's heading, but at this moment, I'm pretty damn happy when we're together. In the last month, we've had several lovely dates, some spanning 24 (or more) hours. We've gotten dressed up and gone all out; we've gotten dressed down and stayed in. He doesn't hesitate to talk about future-oriented things; he's even referred to our "relationship" and called me his girl. We're starting to have intimate conversations about who we are and what we want. We seem to be on the same page about so many things, and we seem to balance each other out. We have amazing sexual chemistry, but the chemistry doesn't stop in the bedroom. We genuinely have a good time together, and when we're together, things just feel comfortable. For one month of dating, it's pretty damn good.
Yes, there's a but.
But, the problem with dating someone for only one month is that I have no sense of what to expect -- from him, from me, from "us." Two weeks ago, we agreed that we both see long-term potential but that it's too soon to have a "C"ommitment. At the time, neither one of us was seeing anyone else, but we agreed that it was possible that one of us could meet someone else.
In my head, I know this is the way that dating often works. I know that it's best to not rush into anything, that a "C"ommitment too soon is often too rushed. I know that I need to stay calm, that if it doesn't work out, I haven't lost my self; I know that if it doesn't work out, I'll be fine -- and that if it does work out, it'll be pretty damn wonderful.
But in my heart, something is shifting, and it's driving me batty. The truth is, I'm really starting to like this guy, I'm really starting to fall for him, and I'm finding myself feeling exposed and vulnerable. It's bringing to the surface so many of my insecurities from relationships past, things I know I have to work on by myself and not impose upon Bachelor #2.
I'm not dating anyone else, but I'm forcing myself to log-in to the dating site where I met Bachelor #2, forcing myself to "wink" and e-mail guys I'm totally not interested in. I find myself upset and frustrated when I notice that Bachelor #2 has been active (nevermind that I've been active, though to be honest sometimes I log-in just to see if he's logged-in!) but I find myself terrified to bring up the (gulp!) subject of monogamy. In spite of my insecurities, it still feels too soon; but perhaps it feeling too soon is simply another one of my insecurities revealed.
Like I said, I don't know what to expect. Should we see each other more often? Should we be talking on the phone every day? If we go a week without seeing each other, does that mean neither of us is into each other? I'm reminded that he's dealing with his own "stuff," just like me, that he has his own insecurities about dating, and I need to be patient with him. But just as important I need to be patient with myself.
The first couple of months of dating are at once utterly thrilling and utterly terrifying. I have to remember that when I meet the right person, it will all be worth it.
It will all be worth it, right?